Anticipation

 

Anticipation is the only thing I can control. It’s the looking-forward-to part of life and I get to decide when it starts and what it means. It’s a year-round necessity that puts the shine on everyday things if there’s any shine to be found.

Anticipation is head and shoulders above expectations, which can break your heart. It’s even more friendly than optimism.  Optimism is still an option, though I carry around memories of times when optimism stepped back and did nothing while I took my eye off the prize.  No offense, optimism, but sometimes you’re unreliable.

Anticipation isn’t just for holidays, though I’m writing this on the cusp of a season that includes lights and music and champagne and good coffee and pie. Looking-forward-to is a practice I was admonished against in childhood. The adults in my house cautioned “Don’t get your hopes up.” They missed the point. I’d already decided that anticipation isn’t hope, though it can be hope-adjacent.

Anticipation certainly isn’t the same as expectation. Expectations come with too much pressure and require depending on others.  I’m not brave enough anymore for a steady diet of that. Dodging expectations is a survival tool I’m sticking with.

I’ve always felt safest choosing my own level of enthusiasm. It helps create an interior life that I knew early on I’d be needing.  Today if I mention something I’ve decided to look forward to and someone responds with “Isn’t it a bit early…” I flip the listening switch to the off position before the rest of that sentence is finished. The best part about embracing anticipation is, it’s mine and it begins whenever I need it.

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Looking forward to it is my favorite part.

By Anita Garner

I like Christmas Eve more than Christmas Day and Thursday night better than Friday (a holdover from when we used to work a five-day week.) I like the days spent making packing lists for a trip (remember when we used to travel?) and watching for the delivery truck to arrive, even when it’s something I’ve ordered for myself.

I cling to anticipation. It’s the only thing I get to decide and even that is iffy these days.  The days/weeks/months leading to any event are my favorite part and when Christmas has come and gone, it’s not the presents I’ll miss.   I’ll miss waiting for it to arrive.

Some people are superstitious about expressing a desire for something, fearing they might jinx it, but even when we try not to, of course we have expectations and with them come the possibility for disappointment.  It’s a chance I’ll take. Having no expectations would feel like  giving up, not something I’m willing to do.  If optimism is only for children who still believe, then put me down for that.

Before bedtime every night (shall I add “during these unprecedented times?”) I try to find the next thing to look forward to.  It might be as big as completing a project or as small as taking the first step to start a new one, or looking forward to tomorrow morning’s coffee.

Here I sit surrounded by gift-wrapped packages and lights and provisions for wonderful meals and my thought is, now I only have a few more days to spend in anticipation.  I’ll snap out of it as soon as I come up with the next thing to look forward to.

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