Here’s a question that comes up a lot lately: Do you still hear from her/him? It used to feel like a badge of honor to say I’ve had the same friends forever, but some of them just don’t fit anymore. I still cherish a few friendships that have endured through decades , but not all the people I used to know are people I want to be with today.
When we were younger, we clumped together. Birds of a feather for various reasons and various causes. We formed parent groups, church groups, hobby groups, business associations and community activist groups.
Today I’m not big on belonging to several groups. The ones that help create community for a reason – those still feel valid. But continuing to get together just because it’s what we’ve always done – that doesn’t work so well. And why, I wonder, am I such a wuss about accepting that friendships don’t always fit forever?
Sometimes we fall out of touch and find we’re just fine that way. Then, maybe because it’s so easy to do on the internet – we reconnect, only to learn it’s different this time. A few sentences after hello we might not have anything else to talk about.
Letting go of relationships doesn’t happen without guilt. I find myself making excuses more often to skip seeing that person. The answer’s right there, but it seems almost too simple to accept. History alone isn’t enough. Seasons change. Values change. People change.
My friend, Catherine, who recently celebrated her 92nd birthday, approaches this in the most realistic (almost clinical) way. She says we need different kinds of relationships at different stages in life and not only does she let go of the ones that don’t fit anymore, but she quickly replaces them with people who do.
Surely I’ve been replaced in the lives of people I used to know and looking back, it was done so skillfully that it seemed a natural evolution. But I agonize over these things. I wish someone would tell me how to accomplish what Catherine does without leaving bruises.
Ó Anita Garner 2009
Your friend Catherine is a jewel, isn’t she? What wonderful wisdom is planted in our elders! I wish more of them were forthcoming and I wish more of us were enlightened enough to get the message and pass it on as you have.