by Dave Williams
For the past six weeks, I’ve been off work and stuck at home because of a blackout I suffered in the parking lot at Mooyah Burgers. Two MRIs and various other medical tests are inconclusive. I feel fine. I could have gone back to work after my one night hospital stay except that Texas law won’t allow me to drive for three months after blacking out and the company that employs me won’t allow me to do my radio show from home. So, essentially, I’ve been visiting retirement.
I sleep later than I do when I go to the job; I wake up to feed the dogs and fix coffee. Then, I chat with CarolAnn before kissing her goodbye as she heads to work. The day that follows is pretty slow. I deal with medical and insurance-related paperwork, do some writing, and take a nap. That’s pretty much it until later in the afternoon when I can anticipate my wife’s return home.
As much as I have insisted over the years on my need for time alone, my life right now feels kind of lonely and confusing. I’m not retired, I’m on disability leave with tentative plans to return to work. But really, I am retired in the sense that I’m completely cut off from my career of 54 years. It’s all in the rearview mirror, for now, at least. That’s not necessarily a sad thing. It’s a mixed bag, really.
And, confusing.
In recent years I’ve asked retired friends how they fill their days. I get as many different answers as there are friends. Some have undertaken new, second careers, others find things around the house to keep them busy, yard work and home improvement, for example. A couple of guys I know admitted to being bored a lot. One of my oldest friends and colleagues told me he’s learned how to make shopping for an avocado fill up most of an afternoon.
Sometimes I think the idea of “keeping busy” is a misguided insistence. I might be happy doing nothing. What’s wrong with that?
The problem with transition is the uncertainty of it all. Should I retire now or wait? Can I even go back to my old career or is that just snuggling under a familiar but old, worn-out blanket when there might be more I can do?
What would that be? What can I do?
And, why do I insist on doing more?
I know all of the suggested answers from writing to volunteer work and just deepening my budding interest (please pardon the pun) in gardening. Maybe there is no single answer. Maybe what I’m doing now, a little bit of this and that, will settle into a comfortable pattern. I don’t know.
I suspect this is a transition that will fulfill itself in time. It’s confusing right now.
If you’ve “been there, done that” or are asking yourself the same questions please share your thoughts in the comments section below.
I may not be looking for answers as much as I’m looking for company.
It’s been an exceptionally busy year for my business. So busy that it didn’t serve me well to assess the distance to the finish line. If you’re in an ultramarathon (anything over 26.2 miles) you set yourself up for disaster if, at mile 10, you begin a countdown to a finish that is 40 miles away. So, two days ago, I looked up and there it was – the finish line. All the projects for my biggest client were complete. I had a fist-pump moment or two, then contemplated how I might decompress for at least a couple days.
I considered going fishing out of town. Read somewhere that catfish as big as 60lbs have been pulled from a nearby lake. Cleaning the garage while listening to podcasts is an option. Maybe doing something creative that doesn’t have a deadline… a podcast? Short video? A mood board?
Confusing is the word you used. That’s good. Maybe a little bewildering. I think something just doesn’t feel quite right. Maybe it’s a matter of giving ourselves permission to just wander. Maybe it’s that we’ve been in the ultramarathon so long that we’ve assumed there’s something waiting at the finish but we didn’t think much about what that something is.
And, that’s why you’re such an important friend to me. You think. Thanks, KP.
I’m touched by your words here. It seems like you’re in a position without choice and much control over how long it will continue. It’s easier when you choose to retire, as I did, because you can plan for it. You’re a mentally active person and creative. Whatever happens with work, perhaps finding other ways to express that creativity will help you feel more at peace and less lonely.
Mark, I’m sorry it has taken so long for me to see and respond to your comment. I’m not used to people commenting on my blog but I sure love it.
At this point, several weeks after writing this post, I am much more relaxed and happier. Being creative is a huge part of that joy. I’m writing daily and for the first time ever, writing for myself instead of with a specific goal. I guess that pretty well sums up retirement, doesn’t it? Living for yourself, for the first time. At first I felt lost but now I feel free. (And, not coincidentally, I’m getting good, healthy sleep for the first time in fifty years.)
Dave, I’ve been retired since 2000. From my point of view, I think the most important point is making sure the $ is there to give you piece of mind. I tried helping out, volunteering, working some, etc.. These all interfered with my retirement. In retirement, I wanted to do what I (or we) wanted to do when we wanted to do it. Living a life of six Saturdays and a Sunday is my idea of retirement. After 20 some years, a day of doing “Nothing” is alright with me. Right now I golf two days a week and work on the Old Fair Oaks Homestead when I feel like it. It helps too, that I can spend hours reading. For me retirement is doing what you want when you want, One thing I learned from you, I don’t climb ladders or get on the roof. I enjoy your blogs.
Coach, you are still a special treasure. Fifty-some years of shouting, “Can of corn!” to me during fungo practice you’re still reminding me to do the fundamentals. Bless you. – Dave
I retired before I was ready. I was lost. I was my job. Luckily for me, they asked me to fill in while someone else was sick…it was a different job, but hey, I can learn. I did that two and a half days a week. And I was feeling better. Then the person who took my place was out for an illness…and they asked me to fill in again. Great…this had been my job and I knew what to do. Except, on my hours, I was able to get everything done in less than half the time. And I was getting bored…so when Mark was going to have surgery, I quit for good the day before he had to go in. Surprisingly, I didn’t miss it at all this time!
Now I don’t see how I ever worked! Go to the gym, read books, watch movies, mosey around town. It’s great! Maybe I’ll even get around to changing my name back to my maiden name….but I’m so busy. Haha.
I love it. As we age we really do get smarter and happier, don’t we?