Some years ago, when I was a radio news/talk host in Los Angeles, I dreamed of writing TV sitcoms and wanted to test the waters. Fortunately, I had a connection: Emmy-winning writer/director/producer Ken Levine, who had written for M*A*S*H, Cheers, Frasier, and many other shows, was my friend. Frasier had recently ended its run, so I wrote a Frasier spec script.
(If a show is still in production, you can’t write a spec unless invited by the production company. Nobody, not even a friend in the business, will read or even touch it for fear of being accused of plagiarism if any suggestion of your work should show up in another show.)
I wanted Ken’s opinion of my comedy screenwriting chops. He thought the script was good and gave me a few very helpful notes. Here is my spec, written with Final Draft software, format re-interpreted by Substack.
FRASIER SPEC by Dave Williams
“The Sound of Puget”
ACT ONE – A
A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS: “VICTORIA’S OTHER SECRET”
FADE IN:
INT. KACL – DAY
(Roz, Frasier, Buddy, Victoria, Kenny)
ROZ AND FRASIER ARE ON THE AIR.
ROZ
Dr. Crane, Buddy is on line two. He wants advice about his short-term memory loss.
FRASIER
Ah! A fascinating topic and one with which I am intimately familiar. Buddy, how may I help you?
BUDDY (O.C. [Off Camera])
Who’s this?
FRASIER
This is Doctor Frasier Crane, Buddy. You’re on the air. Tell me about your problem.
BUDDY (O.C.)
What problem?
FRASIER
The problem you’re having with gaps in your memory.
BUDDY (O.C.)
I have gaps in my memory?
FRASIER
Buddy, I’m going to put you on hold for a moment until I can refresh Roz’s memory on the concept of call screening!
HE PUNCHES A BUTTON ON HIS CALL BOARD, PUTTING BUDDY ON HOLD.
FRASIER
Until then, I’ll just take a wild stab at line three.
PUNCHING ANOTHER BUTTON…
FRASIER
Hello, this is Dr. Crane, I’m listening!
VICTORIA (O.C.)
Hello, Dr. Crane. My name is Victoria.
FRASIER
Hello, Victoria. What can I do for you?
VICTORIA (O.C.)
I don’t know where to begin.
FRASIER
I often find it helps to begin at your conundrum, and together, we can work back to its genesis.
VICTORIA (O.C.)
What?
FRASIER
As the ancient Roman scholar Pliny the Elder once said: “From the end spring new beginnings.”
VICTORIA (O.C.)
You lost me.
FRASIER
What’s your problem?
VICTORIA (O.C.)
Oh, well, I have a ten-year-old son, and I’m wondering if I should introduce him to his father.
FRASIER
Ah. The product of a long-lost love, is he?
VICTORIA (O.C.)
More like a one-night stand.
FRASIER
I understand. We all have secrets yearning for release. Tell me, aside from making questionable moral decisions, is the father a decent, respectable man?
VICTORIA (O.C.)
Oh, yes. He’s highly respected, a local celebrity, in fact. But he doesn’t know about our son.
FRASIER
Oh, dear. You have been burying your bones, so to speak. Victoria, this secret denies all three of you your very existence. They must meet, and the sooner, the better!
VICTORIA (O.C.)
I was hoping you’d say that. But I’m worried.
FRASIER
Of course you are. Perhaps I can help ease your fears. Tell me a little about your relationship with this man.
VICTORIA (O.C.)
We met in Boston more than ten years ago. We were both newly divorced and lonely. On the rebound, I guess.
FRASIER
Boston? Really?
VICTORIA (O.C.)
Yeah, in a bar. He was sweet. Very smart. Funny in a sad, corny sort of way. He seemed kind of out of place there, ya know?
FRASIER
Why…yes I do.
VICTORIA (O.C.)
He didn’t quite fit in with the regulars. Some of them thought he was kind of stuffy.
FRASIER
A bar in Boston, you say?
VICTORIA (O.C.)
Yeah. One thing led to another and we ended up back at my place.
FRASIER
I understand, believe me.
VICTORIA (O.C.)
Yes, I believe you do, Doctor Crane. Or, should I call you…”Butter Buns?”
BOING!! IN A PANIC OF RECOGNITION, FRASIER PUSHES BUTTONS ON THE PHONE BANK TO HANG UP ON HER.
FRASIER
Oh… I… I think Victoria’s cell phone was disconnected! Hello, Victoria?
BUDDY (O.C.)
Hey, I just remembered why I called! What’s a seven-letter word for “whore?”
ROZ
Frasier!…
FRASIER
Hang on, Buddy! Roz, who’s next?
ROZ
Go to line three!
FIGHTING TO CONTROL HIS PANIC, FRASIER PUSHES ANOTHER PHONE BUTTON.
FRASIER
Who’s this?!
VICTORIA (O.C.)
And you called me “Sweet Cheeks,” remember?
HE PUNCHES HER OFF, LAUGHING THROUGH BLISTERING BEADS OF SWEAT.
FRASIER
Very cute! It’s going to be a day of prank calls, is it? Let’s try line four: Hello, Dr. Crane here!
KENNY (O.C.)
Hey, Doc, it’s Kenny in the lobby. There’s a woman and a little boy out here waiting to meet you. The kid looks kind of familiar.
FRASIER HANGS UP ON KENNY.
FRASIER
Roz! Let’s take a break, shall we?
ROZ
No, go back to line three!
FRASIER
Roz! Commercials! NOW!!
FADE OUT: B
INT. FRASIER’S LIVINGROOM – LATER
(Martin, Niles, Daphne)
MARTIN IS ON THE PHONE.
MARTIN
Okay, I’ll tell him you called.
HE HANGS UP AND MAKES A NOTE ON THE NOTEPAD AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER.
NILES
Dad, what’s up?
MARTIN
Oh, hey. Thanks for coming over.
DAPHNE
(airily) Can’t stay long. I have a producer’s meeting before rehearsal.
MARTIN
Rehearsal for what?
DAPHNE
My new show opens next week.
MARTIN
What show?
NILES
The Seattle-ites’ annual fund-raiser. It’s Daphne’s social guild. This year they wrote their own musical and Daphne is the lyricist.
MARTIN
Well, that’s quite an honor! Congratulations, Daph!
HE GOES TO THE KITCHEN FOR A BEER.
MARTIN
I didn’t know you could write music.
DAPHNE
Just the lyrics. We’re using classic show tunes.
NILES
Daphne, sing the title song for Dad.
DAPHNE
(cloyingly humble) Oh, I’d rather not. I’m a writer, not a singer.
NILES
Oh, come on. Show Dad your talent. Just the first verse.
MARTIN RETURNS TO HIS CHAIR.
MARTIN
Sure, I’d love to hear it. What’s this play about?
NILES
(chuckling) It’s a musical ode to Seattle and the great Northwest.
MARTIN
Come on, Daph. Sing it for me.
DAPHNE
Well…if you insist.
(happily giving in, she SINGS:)
“THE WHALES ARE ALIVE, IN THE SOUND OF PUGET!…”
MARTIN IS STUNNED, AS ARE WE ALL.
DAPHNE
“THE RAIN SEEMS TO DRIVE FOR A THOUSAND YEARS!…”
NILES IS ENJOYING THIS IMMENSELY. MARTIN SITS.
MARTIN
Oh, dear God.
DAPHNE
(belting it out, now!…) “STAAAR-BUCKS FILLS MY HEART, BY THE SOUND OF PUU-JETTTTT!……….”
CAUGHT SIPPING HIS BEER, MARTIN DOES A SPIT TAKE.
DAPHNE
(driving it home) “THE SPACE NEEDLE CHARGES YOU TWELVE BUCKS, FOR BEERS!!”
MARTIN COUGHS AND FIGHTS BACK LAUGHTER AS NILES GRINS WITH THINLY DISGUISED AMUSEMENT AND APPLAUDS POLITELY. MARTIN JOINS IN SOMEWHAT BELATEDLY.
NILES
(clapping) Isn’t that something, Dad?
MARTIN (clapping) Yeah! That’s exactly what it is! Something!
DAPHNE
Thanks. You’re not just saying that?
THE PHONE RINGS. MARTIN GOES TO ANSWER IT, STILL FIGHTING BACK LAUGHTER.
MARTIN
Yes. I mean, NO! It’s really…uh, something! The Sound of Puget! I’d have never thought of that in a million years!
DAPHNE
It just came to me. It’s a gift, I suppose.
NILES
(sweetly) Yes. A musical Pandora’s box.
DAPHNE
You’re so sweet.
SHE KISSES NILES. MARTIN ANSWERS THE PHONE.
MARTIN
Hello?
NILES
(to Daphne) Ooh! I just thought of a new line for the song!
MARTIN No, I’m sorry. Frasier’s not home yet but I expect him any minute. Can I take a message?
NILES
(singing) My love smells like fish, by the Sound of Puget!
DAPHNE GIVES HIM “THE LOOK.”
DAPHNE
That’s the second verse, and you know it.
HE SHUTS UP AND SITS.
MARTIN
No message or name, you sure? I can add you to the list.
(pause)
Okay, try again in a bit. Bye.
HE HANGS UP THE PHONE.
MARTIN
Frasier doesn’t get this many calls on the radio. Oh! That’s what I wanted to ask you. Did you hear his show today?
NILES
No, why?
DAPHNE
Say no more. I heard it.
NILES
Heard what?
MARTIN
I’ve taken fourteen messages for “Butter Buns,” and every one of them was laughing like hell.
NILES
Butter what?
DAPHNE
BUNS! Like the one that Victoria says he put in her oven!
MARTIN
I didn’t hear it, but Frasier’s lawyer called three times and gave me the gist of the conversation.
NILES
Excuse me…
DAPHNE
Why “Butter Buns?” What does that even mean?
MARTIN
This is embarrassing. We Crane men have, uh, hair on our chests but not on our buns.
NILES
Some do.
DAPHNE
Bloody Cro-magnon back as well.
MARTIN
Really? Hey, good going, Niles!
DAPHNE
(to Martin) Well, I think the woman’s a charlatan. A celebrity stalker, that’s what she is!
MARTIN
(to Daphne) Maybe, but maybe not.
NILES
What woman?
DAPHNE
Victoria. Pay attention.
MARTIN
(to Daphne) None of us knows what went on in Frasier’s life when he was single in Boston.
NILES
But, who is…
DAPHNE
(to Martin) Maybe not, but I know Frasier, and he would never take advantage of a woman he met in a bar!
NILES
Oh, familiar ground at last. Actually, he might!
MARTIN
(to Daphne) I’d like to think not, but what about that little boy?
DAPHNE
I don’t believe it!
NILES
(Shocked) A woman, yes, but never a little boy!
THE PHONE RINGS. MARTIN GOES TO ANSWER.
MARTIN
Look, we’ll just wait for him to get home and ask him.
(into the phone) Hello? (beat) Frasier, it’s about time. Where are you?
NILES
What was a little boy doing in a bar?
MARTIN
(on the phone) Yes, alright. I’ll be right there.
HANGING UP THE PHONE, WRITING ANOTHER NOTE…
MARTIN
I’ve got to go pick him up.
DAPHNE
Why? What’s happened?
MARTIN
Oh, nothing really. After his show, he ducked out the back door. He’s just been sitting in a bar drinking scotch for a while and thinks he shouldn’t drive.
DAPHNE
In a bar?
NILES
With a little boy?
DAPHNE
Poor dear. He must be upset about this Victoria business.
MARTIN
Yeah. Which means there must be some truth to it.
NILES
I’ll go get him, Dad. What bar is he in?
MARTIN
No, that’s alright. I’ll get him.
NILES
I’m his brother and a fellow psychiatrist. I speak Frasier’s language.
DAPHNE
Gibberish.
MARTIN
Yeah, maybe you’re right. Thanks, Niles.
READING HIS NOTE…
MARTIN
He’s at a place called Too Loose Lautrec on West 25th.
NILES GETS HIS COAT AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.
NILES
Oh, I know the place! Shabby-chic, Lautrec poster wallpaper in the men’s room. Piped-in accordion music, for God’s sake! He must be suicidal to be in a place like that.
HE EXITS.
FADE OUT – END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO – C FADE IN:
INT. “TOO LOOSE LAUTREC” – LATER
(Frasier, Bartender, Niles)
FRASIER IS AT THE BAR RECEIVING A FRESH SCOTCH ON THE ROCKS FROM THE BARTENDER. NILES ENTERS AND SEES HIM.
FRASIER
(to the bartender) Thank you.
NILES
Frasier, it’s time to go.
FRASIER
Oh, hello, Niles. I thought Dad was coming. Let me just finish this. Would you care for a drink?
NILES
No. And I should think you’ve had enough.
FRASIER
Niles, I am fine. And I’m old enough to be my own judge.
NILES
Normally, yes, but not this time. I must insist you leave that drink on the bar and get your coat.
FRASIER
Niles, I’ve never seen you so assertive. Very impressive. Now, if you don’t mind I will drink my scotch.
NILES
No, I don’t think you will.
HE GRABS THE DRINK FROM FRASIER AND DRINKS IT HIMSELF IN ONE LONG GULP. IT HITS HIS STOMACH LIKE A PILE OF TWISTED METAL.
FRASIER
Niles, what’s gotten into you?
NILES
(in a husky, forced whisper) I’m no expert, but offhand, I’d say six ounces of Glenlivet.
FRASIER
Hardly! That was sixty dollars worth of Macallan-18! I’ll do my own drinking if you don’t mind!
(to the bartender) Another round, my good man!
NILES
(slowly regaining his voice) Frasier, I insist we leave this instant!
FRASIER
I came here for a little self-solace and reflection, and you have ruined my focus!
NILES
And my esophagus.
THE FRESH DRINK ARRIVES.
FRASIER
Thank you. You may bring my tab now, please.
FRASIER REACHES FOR HIS WALLET AS NILES TAKES THE DRINK OFF THE BAR AND QUAFFS IT WITH ONE DEFT BUT DREADED MOVEMENT.
FRASIER
Niles!
NILES
(squeaking) Mommy.
FRASIER
You are not only being childish; you are slurping the contents of my wallet with precarious speed!
BARTENDER
That’s some impressive drinking for a skinny guy.
NILES COUGHS WHILE FIGHTING HIS GAG REFLEX.
NILES
Aye, me hearty!
HE BELCHES.
FRASIER
It’s not impressive, it’s pathetic! You don’t even LIKE scotch!
NILES TAKES CONTROL OF HIS GUT.
NILES
(bravely) I do now. Bring us each another, Lautrec!
FRASIER
Niles!
BARTENDER
You got it.
THE BARTENDER AND NILES DO A “HIGH FIVE” FOLLOWED BY A FIST BUMP, AND WE…
CUT TO: D – INT. FRASIER’S LIVINGROOM – LATER
(Niles, Frasier, Daphne, Martin, Victoria)
FRASIER GUIDES NILES THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. NILES IS STINKING DRUNK, WEARING A BERET AND SLOPPILY SINGING, IMPERSONATING MAURICE CHEVALIER:
NILES
(Singing, sorta) THANK HEAVEN….FOR LITTLE BOYS!
(he cracks himself up)
FRASIER
Sit down, Maurice, and I’ll make coffee.
DAPHNE
Niles!
NILES STAGGERS TO HER.
NILES
Aha! Mon ami! Mon cheri! Mon amour!
(Now doing Stevie Wonder) MY CHERI AMOUR! PRETTY LITTLE ONE THAT I ADORE!
HE PLANTS A SLOPPY KISS ON HER. SHE PULLS AWAY AT THE STENCH.
DAPHNE
Ugh! Scotch! You’re stinking drunk!
NILES
Oui, oui, madame!
HE GIGGLES, BOWS, AND THEN STRAIGHTENS UP WITH URGENCY AND HEADS STRAIGHT FOR THE BATHROOM.
NILES
(to himself) Wee-wee. Yes. Must wee-wee!
HE EXITS.
DAPHNE
What the hell happened to him? He was only gone half an hour!
MARTIN
Frasier, what did you do?
FRASIER
What did I do? Nothing! I was quietly drowning the sorrows from my past when Niles came in and began drinking like a sailor.
NILES (O.S.) – (singing C’est Magnifique!) OOH-LA-LA! Je t’adore, C’EST MAGNIFIQUE!
FRASIER
Or, like a can-can dancer.
MARTIN
Niles doesn’t like scotch.
FRASIER
After two doubles he adored it. He ordered another for each of us and drank them both.
DAPHNE
Good lord!
MARTIN
He had..what, four doubles in five minutes?
FRASIER
Then the bartender gave us each one on the house. It is apparently “chug-a-lug Friday” at Too Loose Lautrec, and Niles won.
MARTIN
So you drove home after all, huh?
FRASIER
No, we took a cab. Now both of our cars are in valet parking at twelve dollars an hour!
THE DOORBELL RINGS, FRASIER GOES TO ANSWER.
FRASIER
Who could that be?
MARTIN
Frasier, wait. I didn’t have a chance to tell you. She just called. She’s coming over.
FRASIER
Who is?
HE OPENS THE DOOR. VICTORIA IS STANDING THERE.
DAPHNE
Your sorrows.
FRASIER
Victoria?
VICTORIA
Hello, Butter Buns!
CUT TO: E
A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS, “OH, DANNY BOY…YOUR POPS, YOUR POPS ARE CALLING!”
INT. FRASIER’S LIVINGROOM – CONTINUOUS
(Frasier, Victoria, Martin, Daphne, Eddie)
MARTIN AND DAPHNE STAND HELPLESSLY BEHIND FRASIER AS HE AND VICTORIA LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
FRASIER
You are Victoria, I take it?
VICTORIA
You don’t remember?
FRASIER
I’m sorry. Please, come in. I admit, I remember the name but not the face.
SHE STEPS INSIDE.
VICTORIA
I changed my hair. I see you’ve changed yours, too.
FRASIER
Uh, yes. It’s slipped a bit. Oh, this is my sister-in-law, Daphne, and my father, Martin Crane.
MARTIN
Hello.
VICTORIA
Hi.
DAPHNE
Says you.
NILES IS STILL IN THE BATHROOM, NOW DOING HIS BEST PAVAROTTI…
NILES (O.S.)
THEEEEE WHALES ARE ALIVE! IN THE SOUND OF PUUUUUUU-JEEEETTTTTTTTT!
FRASIER
Er..that’s my brother, Niles. He’ll be right out.
DAPHNE
Not if I can help it.
SHE GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.
FRASIER
Please sit down. I think we should talk.
VICTORIA
Yes, we should. Thanks.
FRASIER AND VICTORIA SIT ON THE SOFA, LEAVING MARTIN STANDING ALONE.
MARTIN Hey, I’ve got some stuff to do in my room. I’ll let you two get reacquainted… or, meet or something.
(to the dog) Come on, Eddie.
MARTIN LEAVES, BUT EDDIE STAYS PUT.
FRASIER
You gave me quite a shock today.
VICTORIA
You gave me one ten years ago. I’d like for you to meet him.
THERE IS A MOMENT OF AWKWARD SILENCE. EDDIE HOPS UP ON THE SOFA, SITS BETWEEN FRASIER AND VICTORIA AND LOOKS AT EACH OF THEM.
MARTIN (O.S.)
EDDIE, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT EAVESDROPPING?
EDDIE JUMPS DOWN AND RUNS INTO MARTIN’S BEDROOM. THE SILENCE RETURNS.
FRASIER
I apologize for the nature of this question, but it can’t be helped. How can you be sure the boy is mine?
VICTORIA
I can’t But I never slept around.
FRASIER
Neither did I.
VICTORIA
Advantage, me. That reduces the possibilities, doesn’t it?
ANOTHER PAUSE.
FRASIER
Would you like a glass of wine or brandy?
VICTORIA
No, thanks. I just came to ask if you’d be willing to meet him. I want to see the two of you together. There are similarities.
FRASIER
I…I don’t know.
VICTORIA
Neither do I, but I face that question a hundred times a day. Every time I look into my son’s eyes I wonder where he came from. And I see you.
A TENSE PAUSE…
FRASIER
How did you find me?
VICTORIA
I went back to Cheers and asked about you. They told me everything: where you work, where you live…
FRASIER
Nice to know my old friends have my back.
VICTORIA
Look, I don’t want money. I don’t want anything from you except an answer to the question.
FRASIER
Am I the boy’s father?
VICTORIA
I think you are. There’s only one other man who might be but the timing would be slightly off.
FRASIER
The boyfriend who had dumped you just before we met.
VICTORIA
Now you remember.
FRASIER
Yes. You were very young and very sweet. I took advantage. I was in pain. Newly separated, cast out of my home. Neither fish nor fowl, I became a beast.
VICTORIA
(smiling) I don’t know about all that but you were a cute drunk.
FROM THE BATHROOM:
NILES (O.S.)
ROLL ME OHHH-VER IN THE CLOHHH-VER, ROLL ME OVER LAY ME DOWN AND DO IT AGAIN!
DAPHNE (O.S.)
Niles! Keep your hands to yourself!
(pause)
….NOT THERE!!
FRASIER
Cute drunk is something of a family hallmark. Look, Victoria, as a psychiatrist, I think it would be in the boy’s best interest if we determined this question of paternity before we put him in the awkward position of sensing our tension.
VICTORIA
I agree. I took him in for a DNA blood test today. You can go tomorrow, if you don’t mind.
SHE HANDS HIM A BUSINESS CARD. FRASIER READS IT ALOUD.
FRASIER
“The G-Men: Genetic Detectives – answering the question, ‘Who’s Your Daddy?'” (he chuckles) Where have I heard that before?
VICTORIA
Ten years ago in my bedroom. You shouted it over and over.
SHE STANDS, HE FOLLOWS.
VICTORIA
I’d better go. My husband and son are waiting downstairs.
FRASIER
(surprised and relieved) Oh, then you’ve married? You have a full family?
VICTORIA
For eight wonderful years. I told you I don’t want anything from you. We just want Danny to know who he is.
FRASIER WALKS HER TO THE DOOR.
FRASIER
Danny?
VICTORIA
Or, as you call him — “the boy.”
FRASIER
I’m sorry, I didn’t know his name. Danny. I like it. I’ll go to the lab tomorrow morning. And I’ll pay the bill.
VICTORIA
No, that’s…
FRASIER
I insist.
NOT SURE HOW TO SAY GOODBYE THEY SHAKE HANDS.
VICTORIA
Thank you, Frasier.
FRASIER
I have a son too, you know, Frederick. He’s just a little older than Danny. Maybe someday they can meet if it seems like the thing to do.
VICTORIA
I think I’d like that.
FRASIER
Well… Nice to see you. We’ll talk when the test results are in.
SHE GIVES HIM A LITTLE PECK ON THE CHEEK. HE CLOSES THE DOOR AND STANDS THERE FOR A MOMENT, FILLED WITH MIXED EMOTIONS BUT WEARING A RELAXED AND RELIEVED SMILE.
DAPHNE BURSTS IN FROM THE BATHROOM, HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THE FRONT DOOR.
DAPHNE
Well, I’m off.
FRASIER
You’re off? Where’s Niles?
DAPHNE
(breezily; unconcerned) Sleeping. In a tub of hot water. You might want to loosen his shoes and tie before they shrink. Oh, and if he dies, phone me in the morning. If not, don’t bother.
SHE EXITS AND…
FADE OUT. – F
INT. KACL – FRASIER’S STUDIO – AFTERNOON
(Frasier, Kenny, Victoria, Danny, Roz)
FRASIER IS WRAPPING UP HIS SHOW.
FRASIER
I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today, Seattle. Stay tuned for news on KACL… (grinning with pride at his inventiveness) …”The Sound of Puget!”
KENNY ENTERS.
FRASIER
Oh, Kenny, it’s you. Good! What do you think of my idea for a new station slogan?
KENNY
I think it sucks. The Sound of Puget?
FRASIER
Musically, I agree with you. I just thought it might be good enough for radio.
KENNY
Your friend is here again.
HE SHOWS VICTORIA INTO THE ROOM AND LEAVES.
FRASIER
Victoria. Sorry to keep you waiting.
VICTORIA
(smiling) I had to thank you.
FRASIER
For what?
VICTORIA
For everything. For not shutting me out when I showed up at your apartment. For admitting the truth about our brief relationship.
FRASIER
(smiling) “The truth. It is a beautiful and terrible thing and should, therefore, be treated with great caution.”
VICTORIA
Who said that? Pliny the Elder?
FRASIER
No. Harry Potter.
VICTORIA
I think you must be a wonderful father.
FRASIER
There is no greater calling. I have a superb role model.
VICTORIA
Will you call the next time you’re in Boston?
FRASIER
Absolutely. Our sons must get to know each other.
THEY HUG WARMLY. SHE CROSSES TO THE DOOR TO ROZ’S STUDIO AND OPENS IT.
VICTORIA
Thanks for watching him, Roz. Danny, it’s time to go to the airport.
DANNY, A NEATLY DRESSED HOLY TERROR OF A TEN-YEAR-OLD, RUNS INTO THE ROOM…
DANNY
YAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!! YAYYYYYY, I GET TO FLY ON AN AIRPLANE!!! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
ARMS OUT LIKE WINGS, DANNY RUNS A QUICK CIRCLE AROUND FRASIER BEFORE PUNCHING HIM HARD IN THE STOMACH, THEN RUNNING OUT THE DOOR. VICTORIA GIGGLES AND KISSES FRASIER’S CHEEK.
VICTORIA
I’ll look forward to your call.
SHE LEAVES.
FRASIER
(sucking for air) Me, too.
ROZ ENTERS, STEAMING MAD. SHE HAS “SILLY STRING” DRIPPING FROM HER HEAD. HER HANDS ARE BOUND TOGETHER WITH RECORDING TAPE. SHE GETS RIGHT IN FRASIER’S FACE.
ROZ
Are you little Damion’s father?!
FRASIER PRODUCES AN OFFICIAL-LOOKING PAPER.
FRASIER
Zero percent probability. Redemption is ours.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO – TAG
INT. A SMALL THEATER – NIGHT
(Roz, Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne)
ROZ, FRAZIER, MARTIN, DAPHNE, AND NILES ARE SEATED TOGETHER IN A THEATER. THE HOUSE LIGHTS ARE UP, AND THE ORCHESTRA IS TUNING.
ROZ
Are you disappointed that Danny isn’t your son?
FRASIER
Yes, just as I’m crushed that I’m not married to Roseanne Barr. No, I already have one son I rarely get to see. Danny has good, loving parents.
MARTIN
And a shot at growing hair on his butt.
NILES IS WEARING SUNGLASSES FOR HIS HANGOVER. DAPHNE IS UNSYMPATHETIC.
NILES
I wish we had better seats. The lights give me a splitting headache, and everything’s out of focus.
FRASIER
Oh, for heaven’s sake, Niles. We’re front row, center. Take four more aspirin!
NILES
My teeth feel soft.
THE ORCHESTRA QUICKLY FADES TO SILENCE AS THE HOUSE LIGHTS BEGIN TO DIM.
MARTIN
This is exciting! Are you nervous, Daph?
DAPHNE
Only because the leading lady is such a stiff, untalented twit. Everybody says I should have done the role myself. Oh, look. There she is.
MUSIC FROM THE ORCHESTRA SWELLS — THE OPENING BARS OF “THE SOUND OF MUSIC:”
ROZ
(To Daphne, sotto voce) Wow! She’s a lot older than you, that’s for sure.
DAPHNE
(sotto voce) And she’s got no voice. She says she used to sing professionally. Says she starred in American films. Hah! I say that’s a bucket full of dream-on!
CUT TO:
THE STAGE — CLOSE-UP ON JULIE ANDREWS. YES, THAT JULIE ANDREWS!
JULIE
THUUUUHHHHHHHHH WHALES ARE ALIVE! IN THE SOUND OF PUUUUUUUU-JEEETTTTTTT! THE RAINS SEEMS TO DRIVE FOR A THOUSAND YEARS!!!!!!…….
ROLL TITLES OVER…
JULIE
STAAAARRRRRRR-BUCKS FILLS MY HEART, NEAR THE SOUND OF PUUUUUU-JEEEETTTT! THE SPACE NEEDLE CHARGES YOU TWELVE BUCKS, FOR BEEEEEEEEERRRRRSSSSS!!
THE AUDIENCE LEAPS TO ITS FEET WITH APPLAUSE AND CHEERS. DAPHNE REMAINS SEATED, ROLLING HER EYES AND CLAPPING POLITELY.
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW
When I wrote this spec script, I was approaching 60. Ken and I both knew I was too old to start pursuing a career writing for TV and movies.
In case you missed it last week, you can read more about age discrimination as explained by Ken Levine.
If you burn to write novels or scripts do it now. Learn and do the work. Dreams won’t wait forever.
