I went grocery shopping yesterday and saved $29.75.
I know I did because it says so right at the bottom of the receipt, just above where I’m urged to take a customer survey online and become eligible to win $100. (That’s a package of hot dogs and a six-pack of Pepsi these days.)
When did grocery stores become so darned chummy? A little small talk with the cashier is nice, but I don’t need a personal relationship with corporate Kroger, Albertsons, and Piggly Wiggly.
It really irks me to have to carry a special card identifying me as a Preferred Customer. In fact, I would be quite happy to be an Undesirable Customer and remain totally anonymous if it wouldn’t get me hosed at the checkstand for refusing to become a subject of their marketing database.
Once, I went shopping at a different grocery chain in a different city.
“Do you have our rewards card?” the checker asked sweetly.
“No. Just go ahead and give me the ‘screw-you’ price,” I replied. I really did. I said it with a smile, but I think it unnerved her a bit. Felt kinda bad about it. Kinda.
When I signed up for the coerced honor of being a Preferred Customer of our neighborhood Albertsons, I lied.
That’s what these corporate intrusions do, they incite us to lie. I didn’t want the store to have my phone number so I made one up. It gave me a great feeling of smug satisfaction until the day I arrived at the checkstand without the card and was told, “That’s okay. I’ll look it up. What’s your phone number?” I stammered and mumbled to the checker that I didn’t know it. Then, I broke down and admitted my perjury. I looked at my shoes as I did it. I half expected to hear an announcement a moment later on the p.a. system, “Manager to checkstand four. Liar at checkstand four!”
Not long after that, I was back at the same store. When I told the checker (a different one, thank God) I didn’t have my card, she asked for my phone number, and for some reason, I told her my real number. I knew it wouldn’t work in the system, but I felt ashamed and wanted to purge my record as a known fraud at Albertsons.
Guess what? It worked!
My actual phone number was accepted, and I was back in the good graces of the Albertsons Corporation! I was, again, a Preferred Customer.
Praise the Lord!
As my shame brightened to felonious glory, I suddenly realized what had just happened. Someone else had gotten a card by making up a phone number, and it just happened to be mine!
As I left the line with my discounted bagged groceries, the cashier honored me by bidding me adieu by name.
“Have a nice day, Mr. Martinez!”
Life is good.
Dear Mr. Martinez,
I hope you have a happy Father’s Day and if you see my friend, Dave Williams, please express the same sentiment to him on my behalf.
I laughed immediately just at the title! Very funny, Dave. I actually have an online friend who has several CVS cards in made up names, so they can do the deals more than once. (limited one deal per card). When they registered each one, they have used their cat’s name, “Fluffy Jones”, their dog’s name, “Skippy Jones” and made up names ie “I.P. Freeley”. Once time she dropped her card in the store and they got on the intercom and paged her, “Will Fluffy Jones please come to the check-out. I still LOL about that one! Thanks for the laughs today!
This is some funny stuff! I love your blog.