Yesterday we buried my father-in-law.
His family gathered a day earlier in a great hall, as it generally does on Easter and Thanksgiving, to share food, drink and stories. Only this time, Bob wasn’t there except in a makeshift altar bearing ancient photographs, a few flowers, a guest book and a small plastic box of ashes.
At the cemetery yesterday they gathered again for a final goodbye to the first of seven siblings to pass. The other six were there, of course, as were many of their spouses, children and friends. Some spoke of their love for Bob and the family as a whole. Some remembered another funny story. Some kept it to themselves. My wife placed the box into the open grave and wept on my shoulder.
We all hugged, vowed to get together in a few weeks for Easter and went our separate ways.
A few months ago we buried my first mother-in-law. Again, we did it as families have always done, with comfort food and bittersweet memories. It’s the being together that matters.
A few years ago we said goodbye to my dad. Tears, hugs; food.
And here’s what gets me in the gut once these tragic gatherings have ended: for all our togetherness at such times I have never felt more lonely. I suppose it’s partly the idea that burying our immediate elders is inevitable and that it’s our turn next. But even more insistent is the great lingering “why?”
What is the point of life at all if eighty-some years of living and learning is to be simply extinguished and interred or scattered to the winds or placed in a vase on the mantle? Why do we go through this exercise if it is ultimately meaningless?
Meaning, of course, is the personal pursuit. Whether your answers are found in faith or merely in the warmth of loving memory it is as unique to each of us as the paths we have taken. I find small comfort in that because the question mark remains. But here is what I have come to this morning, after days of grieving and wondering and a blessed good night’s sleep:
My father-in-law’s life was meaningful in its very occurence. He touched each of us and we, in turn, are touching those around us. Not very profound, perhaps, but unlike mere faith this is undeniably true. We are all the sum of the people we have known and loved. And they in turn, are us.
That’s not just a sympathy card platitude. It is the brilliant simplicity of an answer.
Why, indeed! I exist so that my children and theirs may have the great gift of my love and life.
Thanks, Bob, for the wonderful memories and for becoming part of our spiritual dna.
Your simple answer is, indeed, profound. One more thought – no matter our age or theirs, when our parents die, it always feels unexpected. The shock lasts a while. You’d think we’d be able to prepare emotionally, but we never do.
Well I have to disagree here. I had prepared myself emotionally for my fathers death almost 15 years before he died. Every time the phone rang from Sacramento I thought this was it. He drank hard and smoked like a chimney those non filter camels. He had a few heart attacks and was as thin as I was at age 16. The only surprise was it’s timing. I had talked to him moments before he died and he was being released to go home. Had I known at the time he was diagnosed with throat cancer I would not of been so surprised. Shocked no. Maybe more relieved than anything I would say. I would not wish a cancer death on anyone. So Thank you Lord for taking him so fast. I love you daddy.
Carolann