Sorkinese

CarolAnn and I recently got Netflix.

As a writer of dialogue myself I’m a slobbering fan of Aaron Sorkin for his creation of The West Wing and Studio 60. With Netflix I was anxious to get another look at Sorkin’s Sports Night for the first time in a dozen years. I immediately fell in love with the show again and settled down to watch all 45 episodes in three days.

Here’s what I discovered:

I don’t care if you’re watching Sorkin or Neil Simon or William-Fricking-Shakespeare, stylized dialogue gets appallingly self-caricatured if you watch too much in one sitting. Also, like picking up a Southern drawl after spending a weekend in Atlanta it’s highly contagious.

I’ve started speaking Sorkinese.

This morning as CarolAnn was leaving for work we had the following conversation:

Me: What do you want for dinner?

CA: What?

Me: Dinner. What do you want?

CA: Tonight?

Me: Yes, tonight. What do you want?

CA: For dinner…

Me: Right.

CA: I don’t care.

Me: Maybe not now but you will. If it was dinner time right now, what would you want?

CA: Where are my keys? Hey, can you please do some laundry today?

Me: Laundry, yes, but first I want to figure out dinner. And, how would I know?

CA: What?

Me: What, what?

CA: How would you know what?

Me: Where your keys are. How would I know?

CA: Found ’em! Gotta go. Surprise me. Chicken fried steak.

(She gives him a peck on the cheek and goes out the back door.)

Me: Which? Surprise you or chicken fried steak?!

If…

I haven’t written much about my brief time in Chicago. I’ve wanted to but have always been too busy, too tired or just too overwhelmed to make sense enough of it all that could be put into words. Being away from home and family is like that. You’re never whole. You’re always alone on a fool’s errand, or so it can seem.

Adventures almost never end as well as we dream, though there is wisdom to be plucked from every day.

So, tomorrow I’m going home to my family and tomorrow can’t come soon enough. Home and my loved ones are just about all I can think about.

But I have also thought about this a lot over the past couple of weeks and it is suddenly desperately important to me that I share it with my sons.

When I was fourteen or fifteen my dad was in Vietnam. He knew I was having trouble coming to grips with his absence, junior high, being a teenager and having the creeping suspicion that boys and girls are different and that it might be important to me someday. I was half-child, half-Martian. Life was confusing and difficult for me and I didn’t even know why.

Dad sent me a copy of Rudyard Kipling’s If…” and these words became the guiding light of my life.

I pass it on here to my sons and theirs. Works for daughters, too.

Read it from time to time, take it to heart and walk tall. It’s a powerful philosophy that can allow you to have your head in the stars with your feet always safely on the ground.

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a man, my son
.

Riding the CTA

I’m a native Californian. Until two months ago when I arrived in Chicago with no car I have never ridden a bus or train except as a rare lark. Now public transportation is my only means of getting from here to there. Fortunately, the Chicago Transit Authority is rightly celebrated as being one of the best transit systems in the world. You can get anywhere, from here to there… and then from there to there further, on to there elsely and, eventually, your destination… if you just have a map, a transit schedule, a compass, an Eagle Scout badge and a the patience of Job. Through a simple yet sometimes confusing series of transfers and queries for direction you will eventually arrive for just $2.25, total plus a quarter for unlimited transfers.

You just have think of it as an adventure.

On the CTA you can set out for a Sunday farmers market and return home nine hours later with two fully ripened avocados.

You can haul a package to the post office and have it arrive at grandma’s house in Des Moines before you reach your front porch.

One day I didn’t feel like walking the two blocks to the train station so I took another train to get there even though it took half an hour and I had to stand the entire way, crushingly, intimately close to a bunch of people to whom I had not been introduced.

I’m sure this all sounds terrible to my California friends and family but I am saving several hundred dollars a month by not buying gas. And frankly, being alone in the big city I have nothing but time on my hands. I’ve read two full books while riding trains and buses. Plus, I’ve met some — shall we say interesting? — people.

More on that later. I have to be at work in three hours and it’s twelve miles away. I must run to catch my rides!

Copyright 2011, David L. Williams

City of the Big Shoulders

Sixteen days after my arrival in the town that Carl Sandburg dubbed the “City of the Big Shoulders” I am still fascinated; still excited.

It’s July and Chicagoans are just adorable. The blistering, humid heat makes everybody on foot soak through their shirts in less than a block, though it’s only 8 a.m.

Most of us lug computer bags and backpacks as we walk the streets of Chicago. Most of us wear loose cotton shirts and pants to work. A lot of men wear shorts. You see very few suits, sport coats and ties. That’s smart. After just sixteen days even I know those suit-and-tie guys are business travelers trying to earn their freedom, comfort and confidence.

Mid-Westerners are smart and practical. We dress as comfortably as we wish while still looking respectable; neat, clean and simple.

My wild West-Coast Hawaiian prints have no place here except in a box.

Staggering through beautiful streets in the steamy heat we mostly keep our heads down so the perspiration doesn’t drip onto our shirts and blouses. Occasionally we look up, nod, and give a pained but encouraging smile to our brothers and sisters who pass us on the sidewalk. We’re all in this together.

We have many destinations but one common goal: to just get where we’re going.

Chicagoans don’t complain.

The City of the Big Shoulders doesn’t suffer weather, it wears it with a shrug, a wink and a wry grin.

Everybody here  loves to warn me about the coming brutal winter. They tease and bait me. I think they’re trying to goad the guy from Southern California into whining about the heat and humidity; they want me to worry about snowfall and the coming icy Arctic wind.

I’m having no part of it. I have big shoulders

I’m a Chicagoan.

Sweet home, Chicago

Songs that stick in your brain and refuse to leave are called “ear worms”. They usually drive me nuts but occasionally I get one I never get tired of.

I arrived in the Second City on a one-way ticket eight days ago and haven’t stopped grinning.

I can no sooner get this blues classic out of my head than I can stop gawking at the skyscrapers, the trains and the river that flows around me in every direction.

Like me, life in Chicago struts, hums constantly and grins idiotically.

Real Estate Ads

Over the past few months of unemployment I’ve had conversations with potential employers that never quite came to fruition but got close enough to send me online to look at homes for sale or rent in other cities. In checking the real estate sites nationwide, left coast to right, I have found a common thread:

 

Nutballs.

 

I suppose that’s harsh. It’s certainly not nice though I hope it has a lovable ring to it. Maybe it’s just that some real estate brokers have no marketing skills. Not everybody does. But I have read some outstanding ads on eBay written by Joe and Jane Lunchbox that make me think this is a particularly virulent form of ineptitude among real estate agents.

 

To begin with, all real estate agents have their own pictures on everything: their business cards, newspaper ads, bus benches and websites. They all look nice and clean and happy. But you know what might make me more likely to call them? A picture of a house I know I can’t afford.

 

Show me my dream home. That’s what makes my heart go pit-a-pat, not Jack and Jill Darling freshly-showered and nicely dressed for the kill.

 

When they do give me pictures of a particular house I sometimes wonder if they asked a nine-year-old in the neighborhood to take it. Mostly, I get to see the garage door and often a tree blocking the entryway and front porch. Sometimes I get to see a car blocking the front of the “storybook cottage” which needs “just a little TLC”.

 

Just once I actually saw one I was interested in buying — the car, not the house.

 

The inside pictures are usually the most maddening. Just today I went to a website advertising a luxury townhouse in a highly desirable big city neighborhood and it included three pictures: one of the weight room, which I am no more likely to use than if the complex had its own whore house. The second was a picture of the master bedroom. Just the bed, actually. (Nice comforter! And what is the thread count on those sheets?) And the third picture was of a toilet and sink.

 

Friends, I don’t care where you live in this great land — a toilet is a toilet and 98% of them come in white.

 

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m different than everybody else. When I’m looking for a new home I want to love the location, how it looks from the outside, and I want to see the warmth and comfort of the family and entertaining areas. I want to be excited about the house and I want the house to love me back.

 

I just assume it has a toilet and a room for my bed.

 

Maybe I’m the nutball. I want to feel comfortable with my realtor but we’re never going to meet if he or she just shows me pictures of the themselves, the toilet, the kitchen sink or the absolute worst feature I have seen in apartment rental marketing:

 

A chair, half a drape and a piece of a potted plant.

 

Seriously, I pulled this picture from an online real estate ad and I didn’t crop anything out of it.

 

Nutballs.

It breaks your heart

A writer who loves baseball must be careful. It’s too easy to slip into flowery purple prose about the game and I’m prone to over-writing.

Besides, the love of baseball has already been written with soul-stirring elegance by the likes of Roger Kahn, Roger Angell, Red Smith, George Will, Jim Murray, Joshua Prager and many others.

This morning I started watching the Ken Burns documentary, Baseball, for the third or fourth time. For reasons I understand in my heart but have trouble putting into words it still chokes me up. I get teary and a lump in my throat. It’s that good, cleansing, happy cry that makes you feel young, fresh and wholesome again.

The memories melt years from my body. I remember how I felt when my legs were lean, springy and swift; when my arms were powerful.

I could smash a fastball to the moon and run like the wind all day with a huge smile on my freckled face.

I can still smell freshly mowed grass under a cool March sky of scooting, fluffy clouds.
 
The base paths are wet from last night’s rain.

One  water-soaked, torn-cover baseball is heaved toward the mud on home plate. I swing the bat held together by glue, nails and electrician’s tape.

Foul ball.

Pitcher and batter make eye contact. Both are determined, both are scared.

See? There I go, pushing the flowery purple envelope. When you love baseball you just can’t help it. It’s a disease you catch as a child and it festers inside you for a lifetime. As the great sports writer Pete Hamill once wrote:

“Don’t tell me about the world. Not today. It’s springtime and they’re knocking baseballs around fields where the grass is damp and green in the morning and the kids are trying to hit the curve ball.”

Pete Hamill has the delicious disease of his youth.

Here are more of my favorite quotes about the game from the men who played it professionally and fed the dreams of the rest of us who imagined we could.

“You can’t sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock. You’ve got to throw the ball over the goddamn plate and give the other man his chance. That’s why baseball is the greatest game of them all.” – Earl Weaver

“People ask me what I do in winter when there’s no baseball. I’ll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring.” – Rogers Hornsby

“I don’t care how long you’ve been around, you’ll never see it all.” – Bob Lemon

“It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone.” – Bart Giamatti

“During my 18 years I came to bat almost 10,000 times. I struck out about 1,700 times and walked maybe 1,800 times. You figure a ballplayer will average about 500 at bats a season. That means I played seven years without ever hitting the ball.” – Mickey Mantle

“The pitcher has to find out if the hitter is timid. And if the hitter is timid, he has to remind the hitter he’s timid.” – Don Drysdale

“Every player should be accorded the privilege of at least one season with the Chicago Cubs. That’s baseball as it should be played – in God’s own sunshine. And that’s really living.” – Alvin Dark

“You gotta be a man to play baseball for a living but you gotta have a lot of little boy in you, too.” – Roy Campanella

“When they start the game they don’t yell, ‘Work Ball!” They say, ‘Play ball!” – Willie Stargell

“You see, you spend a good piece of your life gripping a baseball, and in the end it turns out it was the other way around all the time.” – Jim Bouton, Ball Four

Pomp and Circumstance

The proper title of the piece is Pomp and Circumstance March 1 in D. It was composed by Sir Edward Elgar in 1901 and takes its name from Act III, Scene III in Shakespeare’s Othello:

 

“Farewell the neighing steed and the shrill trump,
The spirit-stirring drum, th’ear-piercing fife,
The royal banner, and all quality,
Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious war!”


Today we know it as The Graduation March. It escorts all high school and college graduate candidates into and from the solemn and joyous, yet bittersweet ceremonies that set them gently on the next path of their lives. We’ve all been there and if you took it in the proper spirit of the moment there’s no way you can be unmoved by hearing the music nor just a bit wistful for your own younger, simpler life.


Our niece, Christina Conley, graduated from Patrick Henry High School in San Diego this week and Carolann and I drove down to pay her homage. Christina is Carolann’s brother’s and sister-in-law’s daughter but she is also the vicarious daughter neither of us ever had. She pretty, she’s smart, she’s fun and she’s a good person with a virtuous heart.


I don’t get to talk with Christina much. She hugs me and smiles with familial respect but I don’t want to be one of those old-fart uncles who makes embarrassing remarks and offers unsolicited advice. I don’t want to pry into her life but I’m sure curious about her interests and passions, her hopes and dreams. She has an excellent mind nurtured by her loving parents and grandparents. She also has a gleam in her eyes that tells me she’s excited to be alive and to have the whole world opening to her. 


She reminds me of myself at her age.


High school graduation, poised between sweet, secure childhood and exciting, though treacherous, adult opportunities; beautiful and relatively pure, we are arrived at the greatest single moment of our lives. 


As I watched the Patrick Henry class of 2011 walk proudly, with great dignity and yet with clear, goofy displays of the joyous child that still lives within each of them, I thought back to my own high school graduation and realized something: 


The joy of youth lives in us forever. The trick is to not bury it in disappointments, which are inevitable, and bitterness, which is nothing more than childish pouting. 


We still love you but after today nobody will dry your tears and give you an ice cream cone. Get over it. Get on with it. We still love you.


43 years and two days since my own high school graduation. 


It sounds so long but it lived so fast.


Phone books, Happy Meals and circumcision

Remember telephone books? Well, of course you do. Just because anybody anywhere in the world can be found in fifteen seconds on a computer or mobile phone doesn’t mean we’re finished with phone books. We can’t be, we get four or five of them on our doorstep every year.

I followed a fascinating conversation on Facebook this morning which began with the news announcement that San Francisco has decided to ban the unsolicited delivery of phone books. To politically conservative me it’s another laughable example of how local and state governments are assuming control over the simplest matters of our personal lives. It’s what some of us like to call the Nanny State. Of course, blaming “government” in a generic sense is easy and fashionable. The fact is, they do these things because a lot of people want them to.

This isn’t a political column, it really isn’t. Though I do think it is worth noting that San FranNanny (oops, sorry…that just slipped out) has already banned McDonalds Happy Meals and has an issue on next November’s ballot that would outlaw circumcisions. (I know…right?)

And now, phone books.

From the reactions I read on Facebook this morning it seems a lot of people are spitting mad about having to dispose of a phone book they didn’t ask for and won’t use. I’m not kidding, this is a big deal to some folks. Personally, I think a phone book is very easy to throw away and as it doesn’t happen more than occasionally it’s just not high on my list of things that stress me out.

I don’t use phone books anymore, except very rarely to balance a table with one short leg. Since you’re reading this on a computer you probably don’t use phone books, either, but a lot of people still do. How do I know that? Easy. Phone books will disappear from American life when they cease to be profitable.

As I thought about it I realized there are a couple of fairly serious issues at hand here. First of all, if we’re going to ban phone books from being dropped on the porch, why stop there? How about outlawing junk mail? Ye gads! I have to throw that stuff away every single day! It’s enough to make a preacher spit!

And what about those business cards people leave in my screen door offering to mow my lawn or fix my plumbing? And free weekly local newspapers I didn’t subscribe to and the Pennysaver?

I have to put that stuff in a trash can all by myself!

As long as we’re passing laws to restrict people’s ability to advertise their products and services because old-fashioned neighborhood commerce now annoys us, I say it’s high time to crack down on those pesky Girl Scouts hawking their damned cookies outside the supermarket. (That’s not only annoying, it’s deadly! Have you read the caloric and sugar content on those boxes? Somebody needs to file a class-action suit against these cute, young tools of corporate America!)

I’m being sarcastic and silly, right? Somebody will do it. Mark my words, before much longer somebody will stop Girl Scouts from selling their cookies.

My money’s on San Francisco.

If phone books on the porch are one of our biggest problems I think America is in far better shape than I imagined. On another level, though, I am a bit worried about our society.

It seems to me we’re becoming awfully self-centered, lazy, pissy and intolerant of each other.

(A note from the author, two days later…My son’s mother-in-law has made an excellent point in referring to this phone book “ban” as an opt-out requirement. After thinking about it for a few minutes I realize that my problem with this “ban” may be in the use of that word and in that, I may have jumped to an erroneous perspective. I don’t know how the ordinance was written. If, in fact, it requires phone book companies to ask people if they want one I now realize I would support it wholeheartedly. The Happy Meals ban and the proposal to outlaw circumcisions are different, though. They deny people goods and services they may want.”)

Snarkiness is an American royal pain

The royal wedding of William and Catherine was achieved today amid all the pomp and over-the-top ceremony the world  expects of such events and I think it’s wonderful. We can well use more royal romance and less political bickering and personal nastiness. What really has me close to the boiling point is the contentious snarkiness I’ve been reading and hearing for the past few days from Americans who can’t seem to find anything nice to say about anybody, much less the royal couple.

If you’ll pardon the implied vulgarity, when did being an a-hole become cool?

The word, “snarky” by the way, is an actual word going back to the early 20th century. It is defined as “irritable, unpleasant and scornful.” Though, ironically in this case, the word may be British in origin I’d have to say it has become as American as the disrespectful and snotty attitude it displays. American society today is rife with nastiness. Even as we’re in a concerted national effort to teach our children to neither tolerate or be a party to bullying others it seems a huge percentage of adults can’t follow their own advice.

What I really don’t understand is the need so many seem to have to criticize and scorn people, events and traditions for which they have no personal affinity. You don’t like the royal wedding? Don’t watch! But keep your rude, nasty, sarcastic comments to yourself.  You’re bringing me down and I resent it.

Seriously, look at these kids. They’re beautiful. They’re happy and they’re performing a real-life Disneyesque fairytale ritual. What’s wrong with that?

This habit of compulsively expressing rude, unsought opinions and of displaying offensive disrespect for others has become a national epidemic. The ugly American is everywhere and I am deeply ashamed of us.