{"id":4300,"date":"2025-01-15T09:06:23","date_gmt":"2025-01-15T15:06:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/theagingofaquarius.com\/dw_blog\/?p=4300"},"modified":"2025-01-15T09:44:09","modified_gmt":"2025-01-15T15:44:09","slug":"frasier-the-sound-of-puget","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/theagingofaquarius.com\/dw_blog\/frasier-the-sound-of-puget\/","title":{"rendered":"Frasier: The Sound of Puget"},"content":{"rendered":"

Some years ago, when I was a radio news\/talk host in Los Angeles, I dreamed of writing TV sitcoms and wanted to test the waters. Fortunately, I had a connection: Emmy-winning writer\/director\/producer Ken Levine, who had written for M*A*S*H, Cheers, Frasier, and many other shows, was my friend. Frasier had recently ended its run, so I wrote a Frasier spec script. <\/em><\/p>\n

(If a show is still in production, you can\u2019t write a spec unless invited by the production company. Nobody, not even a friend in the business, will read or even touch it for fear of being accused of plagiarism if any suggestion of your work should show up in another show.)<\/em><\/p>\n

I wanted Ken\u2019s opinion of my comedy screenwriting chops. He thought the script was good and gave me a few very helpful notes. Here is my spec, written with Final Draft software, format re-interpreted by Substack.<\/em><\/p>\n

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FRASIER SPEC by Dave Williams<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cThe Sound of Puget\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

ACT ONE – A<\/em><\/p>\n

A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS: “VICTORIA’S OTHER SECRET”<\/em><\/p>\n

FADE IN:<\/em><\/p>\n

INT. KACL – DAY<\/em><\/p>\n

(Roz, Frasier, Buddy, Victoria, Kenny)<\/em><\/p>\n

ROZ AND FRASIER ARE ON THE AIR.<\/em><\/p>\n

ROZ
\nDr. Crane, Buddy is on line two. He wants advice about his short-term memory loss.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nAh! A fascinating topic and one with which I am intimately familiar. Buddy, how may I help you?<\/strong><\/p>\n

BUDDY (O.C. [Off Camera])
\nWho’s this?<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nThis is Doctor Frasier Crane, Buddy. You’re on the air. Tell me about your problem.<\/strong><\/p>\n

BUDDY (O.C.)
\nWhat problem?<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nThe problem you’re having with gaps in your memory.<\/strong><\/p>\n

BUDDY (O.C.)
\nI have gaps in my memory?<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nBuddy, I’m going to put you on hold for a moment until I can refresh Roz’s memory on the concept of call screening!<\/strong><\/p>\n

HE PUNCHES A BUTTON ON HIS CALL BOARD, PUTTING BUDDY ON HOLD.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nUntil then, I’ll just take a wild stab at line three.<\/strong><\/p>\n

PUNCHING ANOTHER BUTTON…<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nHello, this is Dr. Crane, I’m listening!<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA (O.C.)
\nHello, Dr. Crane. My name is Victoria.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nHello, Victoria. What can I do for you?<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA (O.C.)
\nI don’t know where to begin.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nI often find it helps to begin at your conundrum, and together, we can work back to its genesis.<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA (O.C.)
\nWhat?<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nAs the ancient Roman scholar Pliny the Elder once said: “From the end spring new beginnings.”<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA (O.C.)
\nYou lost me.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nWhat’s your problem?<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA (O.C.)
\nOh, well, I have a ten-year-old son, and I’m wondering if I should introduce him to his father.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nAh. The product of a long-lost love, is he?<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA (O.C.)
\nMore like a one-night stand.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nI understand. We all have secrets yearning for release. Tell me, aside from making questionable moral decisions, is the father a decent, respectable man?<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA (O.C.)
\nOh, yes. He’s highly respected, a local celebrity, in fact. But he doesn’t know about our son.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nOh, dear. You have been burying your bones, so to speak. Victoria, this secret denies all three of you your very existence. They must meet, and the sooner, the better!<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA (O.C.)
\nI was hoping you’d say that. But I’m worried.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nOf course you are. Perhaps I can help ease your fears. Tell me a little about your relationship with this man.<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA (O.C.)
\nWe met in Boston more than ten years ago. We were both newly divorced and lonely. On the rebound, I guess.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nBoston? Really?<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA (O.C.)
\nYeah, in a bar. He was sweet. Very smart. Funny in a sad, corny sort of way. He seemed kind of out of place there, ya know?<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nWhy…yes I do.<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA (O.C.)
\nHe didn’t quite fit in with the regulars. Some of them thought he was kind of stuffy.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nA bar in Boston, you say?<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA (O.C.)
\nYeah. One thing led to another and we ended up back at my place.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nI understand, believe me.<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA (O.C.)
\nYes, I believe you do, Doctor Crane. Or, should I call you…”Butter Buns?”<\/strong><\/p>\n

BOING!! IN A PANIC OF RECOGNITION, FRASIER PUSHES BUTTONS ON THE PHONE BANK TO HANG UP ON HER.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nOh… I… I think Victoria’s cell phone was disconnected! Hello, Victoria?<\/strong><\/p>\n

BUDDY (O.C.)
\nHey, I just remembered why I called! What’s a seven-letter word for “whore?”<\/strong><\/p>\n

ROZ
\nFrasier!…<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nHang on, Buddy! Roz, who’s next?<\/strong><\/p>\n

ROZ
\nGo to line three!<\/strong><\/p>\n

FIGHTING TO CONTROL HIS PANIC, FRASIER PUSHES ANOTHER PHONE BUTTON.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nWho\u2019s this?!<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA (O.C.)
\nAnd you called me “Sweet Cheeks,” remember?<\/strong><\/p>\n

HE PUNCHES HER OFF, LAUGHING THROUGH BLISTERING BEADS OF SWEAT.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nVery cute! It’s going to be a day of prank calls, is it? Let’s try line four: Hello, Dr. Crane here!<\/strong><\/p>\n

KENNY (O.C.)
\nHey, Doc, it’s Kenny in the lobby. There’s a woman and a little boy out here waiting to meet you. The kid looks kind of familiar.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER HANGS UP ON KENNY.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nRoz! Let’s take a break, shall we?<\/strong><\/p>\n

ROZ
\nNo, go back to line three!<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nRoz! Commercials! NOW!!<\/strong><\/p>\n

FADE OUT: B<\/em><\/p>\n

INT. FRASIER’S LIVINGROOM – LATER<\/em><\/p>\n

(Martin, Niles, Daphne)<\/em><\/p>\n

MARTIN IS ON THE PHONE.<\/em><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nOkay, I’ll tell him you called.<\/strong><\/p>\n

HE HANGS UP AND MAKES A NOTE ON THE NOTEPAD AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER.<\/p>\n

NILES
\nDad, what’s up?<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nOh, hey. Thanks for coming over.<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\n(airily) Can’t stay long. I have a producer’s meeting before rehearsal.<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nRehearsal for what?<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nMy new show opens next week.<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nWhat show?<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nThe Seattle-ites\u2019 annual fund-raiser. It’s Daphne’s social guild. This year they wrote their own musical and Daphne is the lyricist.<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nWell, that’s quite an honor! Congratulations, Daph!<\/strong><\/p>\n

HE GOES TO THE KITCHEN FOR A BEER<\/em>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nI didn’t know you could write music.<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nJust the lyrics. We’re using classic show tunes.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nDaphne, sing the title song for Dad.<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\n(cloyingly humble) Oh, I’d rather not. I’m a writer, not a singer.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nOh, come on. Show Dad your talent. Just the first verse.<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN RETURNS TO HIS CHAIR.<\/em><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nSure, I’d love to hear it. What’s this play about?<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\n(chuckling) It’s a musical ode to Seattle and the great Northwest.<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nCome on, Daph. Sing it for me.<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nWell…if you insist.<\/strong><\/p>\n

(happily giving in, she SINGS:)<\/em><\/p>\n

“THE WHALES ARE ALIVE, IN THE SOUND OF PUGET!…”<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN IS STUNNED, AS ARE WE ALL.<\/em><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\n“THE RAIN SEEMS TO DRIVE FOR A THOUSAND YEARS!…”<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES IS ENJOYING THIS IMMENSELY. MARTIN SITS.<\/em><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nOh, dear God.<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\n(belting it out, now!…) “STAAAR-BUCKS FILLS MY HEART, BY THE SOUND OF PUU-JETTTTT!……….”<\/strong><\/p>\n

CAUGHT SIPPING HIS BEER, MARTIN DOES A SPIT TAKE.<\/em><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\n(driving it home) “THE SPACE NEEDLE CHARGES YOU TWELVE BUCKS, FOR BEERS!!”<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN COUGHS AND FIGHTS BACK LAUGHTER AS NILES GRINS WITH THINLY DISGUISED AMUSEMENT AND APPLAUDS POLITELY. MARTIN JOINS IN SOMEWHAT BELATEDLY.<\/em><\/p>\n

NILES
\n(clapping) Isn’t that something, Dad?<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN (clapping) Yeah! That’s exactly what it is! Something!<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nThanks. You’re not just saying that?<\/strong><\/p>\n

THE PHONE RINGS. MARTIN GOES TO ANSWER IT, STILL FIGHTING BACK LAUGHTER.<\/em><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nYes. I mean, NO! It’s really…uh, something! The Sound of Puget! I’d have never thought of that in a million years!<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nIt just came to me. It’s a gift, I suppose.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\n(sweetly) Yes. A musical Pandora’s box.<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nYou’re so sweet.<\/strong><\/p>\n

SHE KISSES NILES. MARTIN ANSWERS THE PHONE.<\/em><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nHello?<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\n(to Daphne) Ooh! I just thought of a new line for the song!<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN No, I’m sorry. Frasier’s not home yet but I expect him any minute. Can I take a message?<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\n(singing) My love smells like fish, by the Sound of Puget!<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE GIVES HIM “THE LOOK.”<\/em><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nThat’s the second verse, and you know it.<\/strong><\/p>\n

HE SHUTS UP AND SITS.<\/em><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nNo message or name, you sure? I can add you to the list.<\/strong><\/p>\n

(pause)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Okay, try again in a bit. Bye.<\/strong><\/p>\n

HE HANGS UP THE PHONE.<\/em><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nFrasier doesn’t get this many calls on the radio. Oh! That’s what I wanted to ask you. Did you hear his show today?<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nNo, why?<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nSay no more. I heard it.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nHeard what?<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nI’ve taken fourteen messages for “Butter Buns,” and every one of them was laughing like hell.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nButter what?<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nBUNS! Like the one that Victoria says he put in her oven!<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nI didn’t hear it, but Frasier’s lawyer called three times and gave me the gist of the conversation.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nExcuse me…<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nWhy “Butter Buns?” What does that even mean?<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nThis is embarrassing. We Crane men have, uh, hair on our chests but not on our buns.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nSome do.<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nBloody Cro-magnon back as well.<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nReally? Hey, good going, Niles!<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\n(to Martin) Well, I think the woman’s a charlatan. A celebrity stalker, that’s what she is!<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\n(to Daphne) Maybe, but maybe not.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nWhat woman?<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nVictoria. Pay attention.<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\n(to Daphne) None of us knows what went on in Frasier’s life when he was single in Boston.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nBut, who is…<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\n(to Martin) Maybe not, but I know Frasier, and he would never take advantage of a woman he met in a bar!<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nOh, familiar ground at last. Actually, he might!<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\n(to Daphne) I’d like to think not, but what about that little boy?<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nI don’t believe it!<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\n(Shocked) A woman, yes, but never a little boy!<\/strong><\/p>\n

THE PHONE RINGS. MARTIN GOES TO ANSWER.<\/em><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nLook, we’ll just wait for him to get home and ask him.
\n(into the phone) Hello? (beat) Frasier, it’s about time. Where are you?<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nWhat was a little boy doing in a bar?<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\n(on the phone) Yes, alright. I’ll be right there.<\/strong><\/p>\n

HANGING UP THE PHONE, WRITING ANOTHER NOTE…<\/em><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nI’ve got to go pick him up.<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nWhy? What’s happened?<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nOh, nothing really. After his show, he ducked out the back door. He’s just been sitting in a bar drinking scotch for a while and thinks he shouldn’t drive.<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nIn a bar?<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nWith a little boy?<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nPoor dear. He must be upset about this Victoria business.<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nYeah. Which means there must be some truth to it.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nI’ll go get him, Dad. What bar is he in?<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nNo, that’s alright. I’ll get him.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nI’m his brother and a fellow psychiatrist. I speak Frasier’s language.<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nGibberish.<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nYeah, maybe you’re right. Thanks, Niles.<\/strong><\/p>\n

READING HIS NOTE…<\/em><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nHe’s at a place called Too Loose Lautrec on West 25th.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES GETS HIS COAT AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.<\/em><\/p>\n

NILES
\nOh, I know the place! Shabby-chic, Lautrec poster wallpaper in the men’s room. Piped-in accordion music, for God’s sake! He must be suicidal to be in a place like that.<\/strong><\/p>\n

HE EXITS.<\/em><\/p>\n

FADE OUT – <\/em>END OF ACT ONE<\/em><\/p>\n

ACT TWO – C\u00a0 FADE IN:<\/em><\/p>\n

INT. “TOO LOOSE LAUTREC” – LATER<\/em><\/p>\n

(Frasier, Bartender, Niles)<\/p>\n

FRASIER IS AT THE BAR RECEIVING A FRESH SCOTCH ON THE ROCKS FROM THE BARTENDER. NILES ENTERS AND SEES HIM.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\n(to the bartender) Thank you.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nFrasier, it’s time to go.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nOh, hello, Niles. I thought Dad was coming. Let me just finish this. Would you care for a drink?<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nNo. And I should think you’ve had enough.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nNiles, I am fine. And I’m old enough to be my own judge.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nNormally, yes, but not this time. I must insist you leave that drink on the bar and get your coat.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nNiles, I’ve never seen you so assertive. Very impressive. Now, if you don’t mind I will drink my scotch.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nNo, I don’t think you will.<\/strong><\/p>\n

HE GRABS THE DRINK FROM FRASIER AND DRINKS IT HIMSELF IN ONE LONG GULP. IT HITS HIS STOMACH LIKE A PILE OF TWISTED METAL.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nNiles, what’s gotten into you?<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\n(in a husky, forced whisper) I’m no expert, but offhand, I’d say six ounces of Glenlivet.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nHardly! That was sixty dollars worth of Macallan-18! I’ll do my own drinking if you don’t mind!<\/strong><\/p>\n

(to the bartender) Another round, my good man!<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\n(slowly regaining his voice) Frasier, I insist we leave this instant!<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nI came here for a little self-solace and reflection, and you have ruined my focus!<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nAnd my esophagus.<\/strong><\/p>\n

THE FRESH DRINK ARRIVES.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nThank you. You may bring my tab now, please.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER REACHES FOR HIS WALLET AS NILES TAKES THE DRINK OFF THE BAR AND QUAFFS IT WITH ONE DEFT BUT DREADED MOVEMENT.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nNiles!<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\n(squeaking) Mommy.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nYou are not only being childish; you are slurping the contents of my wallet with precarious speed!<\/strong><\/p>\n

BARTENDER
\nThat’s some impressive drinking for a skinny guy.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES COUGHS WHILE FIGHTING HIS GAG REFLEX.<\/em><\/p>\n

NILES
\nAye, me hearty!<\/strong><\/p>\n

HE BELCHES.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nIt’s not impressive, it’s pathetic! You don’t even LIKE scotch!<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES TAKES CONTROL OF HIS GUT.<\/em><\/p>\n

NILES
\n(bravely) I do now. Bring us each another, Lautrec!<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nNiles!<\/strong><\/p>\n

BARTENDER
\nYou got it.<\/strong><\/p>\n

THE BARTENDER AND NILES DO A “HIGH FIVE” FOLLOWED BY A FIST BUMP, AND WE…<\/em><\/p>\n

CUT TO: D – INT. FRASIER’S LIVINGROOM – LATER<\/em><\/p>\n

(Niles, Frasier, Daphne, Martin, Victoria)<\/p>\n

FRASIER GUIDES NILES THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. NILES IS STINKING DRUNK, WEARING A BERET AND SLOPPILY SINGING, IMPERSONATING MAURICE CHEVALIER:<\/em><\/p>\n

NILES
\n(Singing, sorta) THANK HEAVEN….FOR LITTLE BOYS!
\n(he cracks himself up)<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nSit down, Maurice, and I’ll make coffee.<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nNiles!<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES STAGGERS TO HER.<\/em><\/p>\n

NILES
\nAha! Mon ami! Mon cheri! Mon amour!
\n(Now doing Stevie Wonder) MY CHERI AMOUR! PRETTY LITTLE ONE THAT I ADORE!<\/strong><\/p>\n

HE PLANTS A SLOPPY KISS ON HER. SHE PULLS AWAY AT THE STENCH.<\/em><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nUgh! Scotch! You’re stinking drunk!<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nOui, oui, madame!<\/strong><\/p>\n

HE GIGGLES, BOWS, AND THEN STRAIGHTENS UP WITH URGENCY AND HEADS STRAIGHT FOR THE BATHROOM.<\/em><\/p>\n

NILES
\n(to himself) Wee-wee. Yes. Must wee-wee!<\/strong><\/p>\n

HE EXITS.<\/em><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nWhat the hell happened to him? He was only gone half an hour!<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nFrasier, what did you do?<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nWhat did I do? Nothing! I was quietly drowning the sorrows from my past when Niles came in and began drinking like a sailor.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES (O.S.) – (singing C’est Magnifique!) OOH-LA-LA! Je t’adore, C’EST MAGNIFIQUE!<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nOr, like a can-can dancer.<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nNiles doesn’t like scotch.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nAfter two doubles he adored it. He ordered another for each of us and drank them both.<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nGood lord!<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nHe had..what, four doubles in five minutes?<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nThen the bartender gave us each one on the house. It is apparently “chug-a-lug Friday” at Too Loose Lautrec, and Niles won.<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nSo you drove home after all, huh?<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nNo, we took a cab. Now both of our cars are in valet parking at twelve dollars an hour!<\/strong><\/p>\n

THE DOORBELL RINGS, FRASIER GOES TO ANSWER.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nWho could that be?<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nFrasier, wait. I didn’t have a chance to tell you. She just called. She’s coming over.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nWho is?<\/strong><\/p>\n

HE OPENS THE DOOR. VICTORIA IS STANDING THERE.<\/em><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nYour sorrows.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nVictoria?<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nHello, Butter Buns!<\/strong><\/p>\n

CUT TO: E<\/em><\/p>\n

A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS, “OH, DANNY BOY…YOUR POPS, YOUR POPS ARE CALLING!”<\/em><\/p>\n

INT. FRASIER’S LIVINGROOM – CONTINUOUS<\/em><\/p>\n

(Frasier, Victoria, Martin, Daphne, Eddie)<\/em><\/p>\n

MARTIN AND DAPHNE STAND HELPLESSLY BEHIND FRASIER AS HE AND VICTORIA LOOK AT EACH OTHER.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nYou are Victoria, I take it?<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nYou don’t remember?<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nI’m sorry. Please, come in. I admit, I remember the name but not the face.<\/strong><\/p>\n

SHE STEPS INSIDE.<\/em><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nI changed my hair. I see you’ve changed yours, too.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nUh, yes. It’s slipped a bit. Oh, this is my sister-in-law, Daphne, and my father, Martin Crane.<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nHello.<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nHi.<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nSays you.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES IS STILL IN THE BATHROOM, NOW DOING HIS BEST PAVAROTTI…<\/em><\/p>\n

NILES (O.S.)
\nTHEEEEE WHALES ARE ALIVE! IN THE SOUND OF PUUUUUUU-JEEEETTTTTTTTT!<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nEr..that’s my brother, Niles. He’ll be right out.<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nNot if I can help it.<\/strong><\/p>\n

SHE GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nPlease sit down. I think we should talk.<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nYes, we should. Thanks.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER AND VICTORIA SIT ON THE SOFA, LEAVING MARTIN STANDING ALONE.<\/em><\/p>\n

MARTIN Hey, I’ve got some stuff to do in my room. I’ll let you two get reacquainted… or, meet or something. <\/strong><\/p>\n

(to the dog) Come on, Eddie.<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN LEAVES, BUT EDDIE STAYS PUT.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nYou gave me quite a shock today.<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nYou gave me one ten years ago. I’d like for you to meet him.<\/strong><\/p>\n

THERE IS A MOMENT OF AWKWARD SILENCE. EDDIE HOPS UP ON THE SOFA, SITS BETWEEN FRASIER AND VICTORIA AND LOOKS AT EACH OF THEM.<\/em><\/p>\n

MARTIN (O.S.)
\nEDDIE, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT EAVESDROPPING?<\/strong><\/p>\n

EDDIE JUMPS DOWN AND RUNS INTO MARTIN’S BEDROOM. THE SILENCE RETURNS.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nI apologize for the nature of this question, but it can’t be helped. How can you be sure the boy is mine?<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nI can’t But I never slept around.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nNeither did I.<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nAdvantage, me. That reduces the possibilities, doesn’t it?<\/strong><\/p>\n

ANOTHER PAUSE.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nWould you like a glass of wine or brandy?<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nNo, thanks. I just came to ask if you’d be willing to meet him. I want to see the two of you together. There are similarities.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nI…I don’t know.<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nNeither do I, but I face that question a hundred times a day. Every time I look into my son’s eyes I wonder where he came from. And I see you.<\/strong><\/p>\n

A TENSE PAUSE…<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nHow did you find me?<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nI went back to Cheers and asked about you. They told me everything: where you work, where you live\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nNice to know my old friends have my back.<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nLook, I don’t want money. I don’t want anything from you except an answer to the question.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nAm I the boy’s father?<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nI think you are. There’s only one other man who might be but the timing would be slightly off.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nThe boyfriend who had dumped you just before we met.<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nNow you remember.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nYes. You were very young and very sweet. I took advantage. I was in pain. Newly separated, cast out of my home. Neither fish nor fowl, I became a beast.<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\n(smiling) I don’t know about all that but you were a cute drunk.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FROM THE BATHROOM:<\/em><\/p>\n

NILES (O.S.)
\nROLL ME OHHH-VER IN THE CLOHHH-VER, ROLL ME OVER LAY ME DOWN AND DO IT AGAIN!<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE (O.S.)
\nNiles! Keep your hands to yourself!<\/strong><\/p>\n

(pause)<\/p>\n

….NOT THERE!!<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nCute drunk is something of a family hallmark. Look, Victoria, as a psychiatrist, I think it would be in the boy’s best interest if we determined this question of paternity before we put him in the awkward position of sensing our tension.<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nI agree. I took him in for a DNA blood test today. You can go tomorrow, if you don’t mind.<\/strong><\/p>\n

SHE HANDS HIM A BUSINESS CARD. FRASIER READS IT ALOUD.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\n“The G-Men: Genetic Detectives – answering the question, ‘Who’s Your Daddy?'” (he chuckles) Where have I heard that before?<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nTen years ago in my bedroom. You shouted it over and over.<\/strong><\/p>\n

SHE STANDS, HE FOLLOWS.<\/em><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nI’d better go. My husband and son are waiting downstairs.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\n(surprised and relieved) Oh, then you’ve married? You have a full family?<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nFor eight wonderful years. I told you I don’t want anything from you. We just want Danny to know who he is.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER WALKS HER TO THE DOOR.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nDanny?<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nOr, as you call him — “the boy.”<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nI’m sorry, I didn’t know his name. Danny. I like it. I’ll go to the lab tomorrow morning. And I’ll pay the bill.<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nNo, that’s…<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nI insist.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NOT SURE HOW TO SAY GOODBYE THEY SHAKE HANDS.<\/em><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nThank you, Frasier.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nI have a son too, you know, Frederick. He’s just a little older than Danny. Maybe someday they can meet if it seems like the thing to do.<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nI think I’d like that.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nWell… Nice to see you. We’ll talk when the test results are in.<\/strong><\/p>\n

SHE GIVES HIM A LITTLE PECK ON THE CHEEK. HE CLOSES THE DOOR AND STANDS THERE FOR A MOMENT, FILLED WITH MIXED EMOTIONS BUT WEARING A RELAXED AND RELIEVED SMILE.<\/em><\/p>\n

DAPHNE BURSTS IN FROM THE BATHROOM, HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THE FRONT DOOR.<\/em><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nWell, I’m off.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nYou’re off? Where’s Niles?<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\n(breezily; unconcerned) Sleeping. In a tub of hot water. You might want to loosen his shoes and tie before they shrink. Oh, and if he dies, phone me in the morning. If not, don’t bother.<\/strong><\/p>\n

SHE EXITS AND…<\/em><\/p>\n

FADE OUT. – F<\/em><\/p>\n

INT. KACL – FRASIER’S STUDIO – AFTERNOON<\/em><\/p>\n

(Frasier, Kenny, Victoria, Danny, Roz)<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER IS WRAPPING UP HIS SHOW.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nI’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today, Seattle. Stay tuned for news on KACL… (grinning with pride at his inventiveness) …”The Sound of Puget!”<\/strong><\/p>\n

KENNY ENTERS.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nOh, Kenny, it’s you. Good! What do you think of my idea for a new station slogan?<\/strong><\/p>\n

KENNY
\nI think it sucks. The Sound of Puget?<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nMusically, I agree with you. I just thought it might be good enough for radio.<\/strong><\/p>\n

KENNY
\nYour friend is here again.<\/strong><\/p>\n

HE SHOWS VICTORIA INTO THE ROOM AND LEAVES.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nVictoria. Sorry to keep you waiting.<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\n(smiling) I had to thank you.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nFor what?<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nFor everything. For not shutting me out when I showed up at your apartment. For admitting the truth about our brief relationship.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\n(smiling) “The truth. It is a beautiful and terrible thing and should, therefore, be treated with great caution.”<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nWho said that? Pliny the Elder?<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nNo. Harry Potter.<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nI think you must be a wonderful father.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nThere is no greater calling. I have a superb role model.<\/strong><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nWill you call the next time you’re in Boston?<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nAbsolutely. Our sons must get to know each other.<\/strong><\/p>\n

THEY HUG WARMLY. SHE CROSSES TO THE DOOR TO ROZ’S STUDIO AND OPENS IT.<\/em><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nThanks for watching him, Roz. Danny, it’s time to go to the airport.<\/strong><\/p>\n

DANNY, A NEATLY DRESSED HOLY TERROR OF A TEN-YEAR-OLD, RUNS INTO THE ROOM…<\/em><\/p>\n

DANNY
\nYAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!! YAYYYYYY, I GET TO FLY ON AN AIRPLANE!!! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!<\/strong><\/p>\n

ARMS OUT LIKE WINGS, DANNY RUNS A QUICK CIRCLE AROUND FRASIER BEFORE PUNCHING HIM HARD IN THE STOMACH, THEN RUNNING OUT THE DOOR. VICTORIA GIGGLES AND KISSES FRASIER’S CHEEK.<\/em><\/p>\n

VICTORIA
\nI’ll look forward to your call.<\/strong><\/p>\n

SHE LEAVES.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\n(sucking for air) Me, too.<\/strong><\/p>\n

ROZ ENTERS, STEAMING MAD. SHE HAS “SILLY STRING” DRIPPING FROM HER HEAD. HER HANDS ARE BOUND TOGETHER WITH RECORDING TAPE. SHE GETS RIGHT IN FRASIER’S FACE.<\/em><\/p>\n

ROZ
\nAre you little Damion’s father?!<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER PRODUCES AN OFFICIAL-LOOKING PAPER.<\/em><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nZero percent probability. Redemption is ours.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FADE OUT.<\/em><\/p>\n

END OF ACT TWO – TAG<\/em><\/p>\n

INT. A SMALL THEATER – NIGHT<\/em><\/p>\n

(Roz, Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne)<\/em><\/p>\n

ROZ, FRAZIER, MARTIN, DAPHNE, AND NILES ARE SEATED TOGETHER IN A THEATER. THE HOUSE LIGHTS ARE UP, AND THE ORCHESTRA IS TUNING.<\/em><\/p>\n

ROZ
\nAre you disappointed that Danny isn’t your son?<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nYes, just as I’m crushed that I’m not married to Roseanne Barr. No, I already have one son I rarely get to see. Danny has good, loving parents.<\/strong><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nAnd a shot at growing hair on his butt.<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES IS WEARING SUNGLASSES FOR HIS HANGOVER. DAPHNE IS UNSYMPATHETIC.<\/em><\/p>\n

NILES
\nI wish we had better seats. The lights give me a splitting headache, and everything’s out of focus.<\/strong><\/p>\n

FRASIER
\nOh, for heaven’s sake, Niles. We’re front row, center. Take four more aspirin!<\/strong><\/p>\n

NILES
\nMy teeth feel soft.<\/strong><\/p>\n

THE ORCHESTRA QUICKLY FADES TO SILENCE AS THE HOUSE LIGHTS BEGIN TO DIM.<\/em><\/p>\n

MARTIN
\nThis is exciting! Are you nervous, Daph?<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\nOnly because the leading lady is such a stiff, untalented twit. Everybody says I should have done the role myself. Oh, look. There she is.<\/strong><\/p>\n

MUSIC FROM THE ORCHESTRA SWELLS — THE OPENING BARS OF “THE SOUND OF MUSIC:”<\/em><\/p>\n

ROZ
\n(To Daphne, sotto voce) Wow! She’s a lot older than you, that’s for sure.<\/strong><\/p>\n

DAPHNE
\n(sotto voce) And she’s got no voice. She says she used to sing professionally. Says she starred in American films. Hah! I say that’s a bucket full of dream-on!<\/strong><\/p>\n

CUT TO:<\/em><\/p>\n

THE STAGE — CLOSE-UP ON JULIE ANDREWS. YES, THAT JULIE ANDREWS!<\/em><\/p>\n

JULIE
\nTHUUUUHHHHHHHHH WHALES ARE ALIVE! IN THE SOUND OF PUUUUUUUU-JEEETTTTTTT! THE RAINS SEEMS TO DRIVE FOR A THOUSAND YEARS!!!!!!…….<\/strong><\/p>\n

ROLL TITLES OVER…<\/em><\/p>\n

JULIE
\nSTAAAARRRRRRR-BUCKS FILLS MY HEART, NEAR THE SOUND OF PUUUUUU-JEEEETTTT! THE SPACE NEEDLE CHARGES YOU TWELVE BUCKS, FOR BEEEEEEEEERRRRRSSSSS!!<\/strong><\/p>\n

THE AUDIENCE LEAPS TO ITS FEET WITH APPLAUSE AND CHEERS. DAPHNE REMAINS SEATED, ROLLING HER EYES AND CLAPPING POLITELY.<\/em><\/p>\n

FADE OUT.<\/em><\/p>\n

END OF SHOW<\/em><\/p>\n

\n
\n<\/div>\n

When I wrote this spec script, I was approaching 60. Ken and I both knew I was too old to start pursuing a career writing for TV and movies.<\/p>\n

In case you missed it last week, you can read more about age discrimination as explained by Ken Levine.<\/a><\/p>\n

If you burn to write novels or scripts do it now. Learn and do the work. Dreams won\u2019t wait forever.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Some years ago, when I was a radio news\/talk host in Los Angeles, I dreamed of writing TV sitcoms and wanted to test the waters. Fortunately, I had a connection: Emmy-winning writer\/director\/producer Ken Levine, who had written for M*A*S*H, Cheers, Frasier, and many other shows, was my friend. Frasier had recently ended its run, so … Continue reading “Frasier: The Sound of Puget”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[603,601,602],"class_list":["post-4300","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-frasier","tag-screenwriting","tag-spec"],"yoast_head":"\nFrasier: The Sound of Puget : The Aging of Aquarius<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A spec script for the TV sitcom Frasier.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" 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