{"id":4300,"date":"2025-01-15T09:06:23","date_gmt":"2025-01-15T15:06:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/theagingofaquarius.com\/dw_blog\/?p=4300"},"modified":"2025-01-15T09:44:09","modified_gmt":"2025-01-15T15:44:09","slug":"frasier-the-sound-of-puget","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/theagingofaquarius.com\/dw_blog\/frasier-the-sound-of-puget\/","title":{"rendered":"Frasier: The Sound of Puget"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><em>Some years ago, when I was a radio news\/talk host in Los Angeles, I dreamed of writing TV sitcoms and wanted to test the waters. Fortunately, I had a connection: Emmy-winning writer\/director\/producer Ken Levine, who had written for M*A*S*H, Cheers, Frasier, and many other shows, was my friend. Frasier had recently ended its run, so I wrote a Frasier spec script. <\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>(If a show is still in production, you can\u2019t write a spec unless invited by the production company. Nobody, not even a friend in the business, will read or even touch it for fear of being accused of plagiarism if any suggestion of your work should show up in another show.)<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>I wanted Ken\u2019s opinion of my comedy screenwriting chops. He thought the script was good and gave me a few very helpful notes. Here is my spec, written with Final Draft software, format re-interpreted by Substack.<\/em><\/p>\n<div>\n<hr \/>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"captioned-image-container\">\n<figure>\n<div class=\"image2-inset\">\n<picture><source srcset=\"https:\/\/substackcdn.com\/image\/fetch\/w_424,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep\/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ffef6390d-4d4d-48f7-84a8-715a7f9e2d7d_686x386.jpeg 424w, https:\/\/substackcdn.com\/image\/fetch\/w_848,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep\/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ffef6390d-4d4d-48f7-84a8-715a7f9e2d7d_686x386.jpeg 848w, https:\/\/substackcdn.com\/image\/fetch\/w_1272,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep\/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ffef6390d-4d4d-48f7-84a8-715a7f9e2d7d_686x386.jpeg 1272w, https:\/\/substackcdn.com\/image\/fetch\/w_1456,c_limit,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep\/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ffef6390d-4d4d-48f7-84a8-715a7f9e2d7d_686x386.jpeg 1456w\" type=\"image\/webp\" sizes=\"100vw\" \/><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"sizing-normal\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/substackcdn.com\/image\/fetch\/w_1456%2Cc_limit%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep\/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ffef6390d-4d4d-48f7-84a8-715a7f9e2d7d_686x386.jpeg?resize=686%2C386&#038;ssl=1\" sizes=\"100vw\" srcset=\"https:\/\/substackcdn.com\/image\/fetch\/w_424,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep\/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ffef6390d-4d4d-48f7-84a8-715a7f9e2d7d_686x386.jpeg 424w, https:\/\/substackcdn.com\/image\/fetch\/w_848,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep\/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ffef6390d-4d4d-48f7-84a8-715a7f9e2d7d_686x386.jpeg 848w, https:\/\/substackcdn.com\/image\/fetch\/w_1272,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep\/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ffef6390d-4d4d-48f7-84a8-715a7f9e2d7d_686x386.jpeg 1272w, https:\/\/substackcdn.com\/image\/fetch\/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep\/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ffef6390d-4d4d-48f7-84a8-715a7f9e2d7d_686x386.jpeg 1456w\" alt=\"\" width=\"686\" height=\"386\" data-attrs=\"{&quot;src&quot;:&quot;https:\/\/substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com\/public\/images\/fef6390d-4d4d-48f7-84a8-715a7f9e2d7d_686x386.jpeg&quot;,&quot;srcNoWatermark&quot;:null,&quot;fullscreen&quot;:null,&quot;imageSize&quot;:null,&quot;height&quot;:386,&quot;width&quot;:686,&quot;resizeWidth&quot;:null,&quot;bytes&quot;:17807,&quot;alt&quot;:null,&quot;title&quot;:null,&quot;type&quot;:&quot;image\/jpeg&quot;,&quot;href&quot;:null,&quot;belowTheFold&quot;:false,&quot;topImage&quot;:true,&quot;internalRedirect&quot;:null,&quot;isProcessing&quot;:false}\" \/><\/picture>\n<div class=\"image-link-expand\">\n<div class=\"pencraft pc-display-flex pc-gap-8 pc-reset\">\n<div class=\"pencraft pc-reset icon-container view-image\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<p><strong>FRASIER SPEC by Dave Williams<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u201cThe Sound of Puget\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>ACT ONE &#8211; A<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS: &#8220;VICTORIA&#8217;S OTHER SECRET&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>FADE IN:<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>INT. KACL &#8211; DAY<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>(Roz, Frasier, Buddy, Victoria, Kenny)<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>ROZ AND FRASIER ARE ON THE AIR.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>ROZ<br \/>\nDr. Crane, Buddy is on line two. He wants advice about his short-term memory loss.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nAh! A fascinating topic and one with which I am intimately familiar. Buddy, how may I help you?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>BUDDY (O.C. [Off Camera])<br \/>\nWho&#8217;s this?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nThis is Doctor Frasier Crane, Buddy. You&#8217;re on the air. Tell me about your problem.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>BUDDY (O.C.)<br \/>\nWhat problem?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nThe problem you&#8217;re having with gaps in your memory.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>BUDDY (O.C.)<br \/>\nI have gaps in my memory?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nBuddy, I&#8217;m going to put you on hold for a moment until I can refresh Roz&#8217;s memory on the concept of call screening!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>HE PUNCHES A BUTTON ON HIS CALL BOARD, PUTTING BUDDY ON HOLD.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nUntil then, I&#8217;ll just take a wild stab at line three.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>PUNCHING ANOTHER BUTTON&#8230;<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nHello, this is Dr. Crane, I&#8217;m listening!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA (O.C.)<br \/>\nHello, Dr. Crane. My name is Victoria.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nHello, Victoria. What can I do for you?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA (O.C.)<br \/>\nI don&#8217;t know where to begin.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nI often find it helps to begin at your conundrum, and together, we can work back to its genesis.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA (O.C.)<br \/>\nWhat?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nAs the ancient Roman scholar Pliny the Elder once said: &#8220;From the end spring new beginnings.&#8221;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA (O.C.)<br \/>\nYou lost me.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nWhat&#8217;s your problem?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA (O.C.)<br \/>\nOh, well, I have a ten-year-old son, and I&#8217;m wondering if I should introduce him to his father.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nAh. The product of a long-lost love, is he?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA (O.C.)<br \/>\nMore like a one-night stand.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nI understand. We all have secrets yearning for release. Tell me, aside from making questionable moral decisions, is the father a decent, respectable man?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA (O.C.)<br \/>\nOh, yes. He&#8217;s highly respected, a local celebrity, in fact. But he doesn&#8217;t know about our son.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nOh, dear. You have been burying your bones, so to speak. Victoria, this secret denies all three of you your very existence. They must meet, and the sooner, the better!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA (O.C.)<br \/>\nI was hoping you&#8217;d say that. But I&#8217;m worried.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nOf course you are. Perhaps I can help ease your fears. Tell me a little about your relationship with this man.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA (O.C.)<br \/>\nWe met in Boston more than ten years ago. We were both newly divorced and lonely. On the rebound, I guess.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nBoston? Really?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA (O.C.)<br \/>\nYeah, in a bar. He was sweet. Very smart. Funny in a sad, corny sort of way. He seemed kind of out of place there, ya know?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nWhy&#8230;yes I do.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA (O.C.)<br \/>\nHe didn&#8217;t quite fit in with the regulars. Some of them thought he was kind of stuffy.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nA bar in Boston, you say?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA (O.C.)<br \/>\nYeah. One thing led to another and we ended up back at my place.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nI understand, believe me.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA (O.C.)<br \/>\nYes, I believe you do, Doctor Crane. Or, should I call you&#8230;&#8221;Butter Buns?&#8221;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>BOING!! IN A PANIC OF RECOGNITION, FRASIER PUSHES BUTTONS ON THE PHONE BANK TO HANG UP ON HER.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nOh&#8230; I&#8230; I think Victoria&#8217;s cell phone was disconnected! Hello, Victoria?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>BUDDY (O.C.)<br \/>\nHey, I just remembered why I called! What&#8217;s a seven-letter word for &#8220;whore?&#8221;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>ROZ<br \/>\nFrasier!&#8230;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nHang on, Buddy! Roz, who&#8217;s next?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>ROZ<br \/>\nGo to line three!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>FIGHTING TO CONTROL HIS PANIC, FRASIER PUSHES ANOTHER PHONE BUTTON.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nWho\u2019s this?!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA (O.C.)<br \/>\nAnd you called me &#8220;Sweet Cheeks,&#8221; remember?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>HE PUNCHES HER OFF, LAUGHING THROUGH BLISTERING BEADS OF SWEAT.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nVery cute! It&#8217;s going to be a day of prank calls, is it? Let&#8217;s try line four: Hello, Dr. Crane here!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>KENNY (O.C.)<br \/>\nHey, Doc, it&#8217;s Kenny in the lobby. There&#8217;s a woman and a little boy out here waiting to meet you. The kid looks kind of familiar.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>FRASIER HANGS UP ON KENNY.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nRoz! Let&#8217;s take a break, shall we?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>ROZ<br \/>\nNo, go back to line three!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nRoz! Commercials! NOW!!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>FADE OUT: B<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>INT. FRASIER&#8217;S LIVINGROOM &#8211; LATER<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>(Martin, Niles, Daphne)<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>MARTIN IS ON THE PHONE.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nOkay, I&#8217;ll tell him you called.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>HE HANGS UP AND MAKES A NOTE ON THE NOTEPAD AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER.<\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nDad, what&#8217;s up?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nOh, hey. Thanks for coming over.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\n(airily) Can&#8217;t stay long. I have a producer&#8217;s meeting before rehearsal.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nRehearsal for what?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nMy new show opens next week.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nWhat show?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nThe Seattle-ites\u2019 annual fund-raiser. It&#8217;s Daphne&#8217;s social guild. This year they wrote their own musical and Daphne is the lyricist.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nWell, that&#8217;s quite an honor! Congratulations, Daph!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>HE GOES TO THE KITCHEN FOR A BEER<\/em><strong>.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nI didn&#8217;t know you could write music.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nJust the lyrics. We&#8217;re using classic show tunes.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nDaphne, sing the title song for Dad.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\n(cloyingly humble) Oh, I&#8217;d rather not. I&#8217;m a writer, not a singer.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nOh, come on. Show Dad your talent. Just the first verse.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>MARTIN RETURNS TO HIS CHAIR.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nSure, I&#8217;d love to hear it. What&#8217;s this play about?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\n(chuckling) It&#8217;s a musical ode to Seattle and the great Northwest.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nCome on, Daph. Sing it for me.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nWell&#8230;if you insist.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>(happily giving in, she SINGS:)<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>&#8220;THE WHALES ARE ALIVE, IN THE SOUND OF PUGET!&#8230;&#8221;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>MARTIN IS STUNNED, AS ARE WE ALL.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\n&#8220;THE RAIN SEEMS TO DRIVE FOR A THOUSAND YEARS!&#8230;&#8221;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>NILES IS ENJOYING THIS IMMENSELY. MARTIN SITS.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nOh, dear God.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\n(belting it out, now!&#8230;) &#8220;STAAAR-BUCKS FILLS MY HEART, BY THE SOUND OF PUU-JETTTTT!&#8230;&#8230;&#8230;.&#8221;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>CAUGHT SIPPING HIS BEER, MARTIN DOES A SPIT TAKE.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\n(driving it home) &#8220;THE SPACE NEEDLE CHARGES YOU TWELVE BUCKS, FOR BEERS!!&#8221;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>MARTIN COUGHS AND FIGHTS BACK LAUGHTER AS NILES GRINS WITH THINLY DISGUISED AMUSEMENT AND APPLAUDS POLITELY. MARTIN JOINS IN SOMEWHAT BELATEDLY.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\n(clapping) Isn&#8217;t that something, Dad?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN (clapping) Yeah! That&#8217;s exactly what it is! Something!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nThanks. You&#8217;re not just saying that?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>THE PHONE RINGS. MARTIN GOES TO ANSWER IT, STILL FIGHTING BACK LAUGHTER.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nYes. I mean, NO! It&#8217;s really&#8230;uh, something! The Sound of Puget! I&#8217;d have never thought of that in a million years!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nIt just came to me. It&#8217;s a gift, I suppose.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\n(sweetly) Yes. A musical Pandora&#8217;s box.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nYou&#8217;re so sweet.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>SHE KISSES NILES. MARTIN ANSWERS THE PHONE.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nHello?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\n(to Daphne) Ooh! I just thought of a new line for the song!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN No, I&#8217;m sorry. Frasier&#8217;s not home yet but I expect him any minute. Can I take a message?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\n(singing) My love smells like fish, by the Sound of Puget!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>DAPHNE GIVES HIM &#8220;THE LOOK.&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nThat&#8217;s the second verse, and you know it.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>HE SHUTS UP AND SITS.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nNo message or name, you sure? I can add you to the list.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>(pause)<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Okay, try again in a bit. Bye.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>HE HANGS UP THE PHONE.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nFrasier doesn&#8217;t get this many calls on the radio. Oh! That&#8217;s what I wanted to ask you. Did you hear his show today?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nNo, why?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nSay no more. I heard it.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nHeard what?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nI&#8217;ve taken fourteen messages for &#8220;Butter Buns,&#8221; and every one of them was laughing like hell.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nButter what?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nBUNS! Like the one that Victoria says he put in her oven!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nI didn&#8217;t hear it, but Frasier&#8217;s lawyer called three times and gave me the gist of the conversation.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nExcuse me&#8230;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nWhy &#8220;Butter Buns?&#8221; What does that even mean?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nThis is embarrassing. We Crane men have, uh, hair on our chests but not on our buns.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nSome do.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nBloody Cro-magnon back as well.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nReally? Hey, good going, Niles!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\n(to Martin) Well, I think the woman&#8217;s a charlatan. A celebrity stalker, that&#8217;s what she is!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\n(to Daphne) Maybe, but maybe not.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nWhat woman?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nVictoria. Pay attention.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\n(to Daphne) None of us knows what went on in Frasier&#8217;s life when he was single in Boston.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nBut, who is&#8230;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\n(to Martin) Maybe not, but I know Frasier, and he would never take advantage of a woman he met in a bar!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nOh, familiar ground at last. Actually, he might!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\n(to Daphne) I&#8217;d like to think not, but what about that little boy?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nI don&#8217;t believe it!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\n(Shocked) A woman, yes, but never a little boy!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>THE PHONE RINGS. MARTIN GOES TO ANSWER.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nLook, we&#8217;ll just wait for him to get home and ask him.<br \/>\n(into the phone) Hello? (beat) Frasier, it&#8217;s about time. Where are you?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nWhat was a little boy doing in a bar?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\n(on the phone) Yes, alright. I&#8217;ll be right there.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>HANGING UP THE PHONE, WRITING ANOTHER NOTE&#8230;<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nI&#8217;ve got to go pick him up.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nWhy? What&#8217;s happened?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nOh, nothing really. After his show, he ducked out the back door. He&#8217;s just been sitting in a bar drinking scotch for a while and thinks he shouldn&#8217;t drive.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nIn a bar?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nWith a little boy?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nPoor dear. He must be upset about this Victoria business.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nYeah. Which means there must be some truth to it.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nI&#8217;ll go get him, Dad. What bar is he in?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nNo, that&#8217;s alright. I&#8217;ll get him.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nI&#8217;m his brother and a fellow psychiatrist. I speak Frasier&#8217;s language.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nGibberish.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nYeah, maybe you&#8217;re right. Thanks, Niles.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>READING HIS NOTE&#8230;<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nHe&#8217;s at a place called Too Loose Lautrec on West 25th.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>NILES GETS HIS COAT AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nOh, I know the place! Shabby-chic, Lautrec poster wallpaper in the men&#8217;s room. Piped-in accordion music, for God&#8217;s sake! He must be suicidal to be in a place like that.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>HE EXITS.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>FADE OUT &#8211; <\/em><em>END OF ACT ONE<\/em><\/p>\n<p>ACT TWO &#8211; C\u00a0 <em>FADE IN:<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>INT. &#8220;TOO LOOSE LAUTREC&#8221; &#8211; LATER<\/em><\/p>\n<p>(Frasier, Bartender, Niles)<\/p>\n<p><em>FRASIER IS AT THE BAR RECEIVING A FRESH SCOTCH ON THE ROCKS FROM THE BARTENDER. NILES ENTERS AND SEES HIM.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\n(to the bartender) Thank you.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nFrasier, it&#8217;s time to go.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nOh, hello, Niles. I thought Dad was coming. Let me just finish this. Would you care for a drink?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nNo. And I should think you&#8217;ve had enough.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nNiles, I am fine. And I&#8217;m old enough to be my own judge.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nNormally, yes, but not this time. I must insist you leave that drink on the bar and get your coat.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nNiles, I&#8217;ve never seen you so assertive. Very impressive. Now, if you don&#8217;t mind I will drink my scotch.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nNo, I don&#8217;t think you will.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>HE GRABS THE DRINK FROM FRASIER AND DRINKS IT HIMSELF IN ONE LONG GULP. IT HITS HIS STOMACH LIKE A PILE OF TWISTED METAL.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nNiles, what&#8217;s gotten into you?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\n(in a husky, forced whisper) I&#8217;m no expert, but offhand, I&#8217;d say six ounces of Glenlivet.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nHardly! That was sixty dollars worth of Macallan-18! I&#8217;ll do my own drinking if you don&#8217;t mind!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>(to the bartender) Another round, my good man!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\n(slowly regaining his voice) Frasier, I insist we leave this instant!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nI came here for a little self-solace and reflection, and you have ruined my focus!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nAnd my esophagus.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>THE FRESH DRINK ARRIVES.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nThank you. You may bring my tab now, please.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>FRASIER REACHES FOR HIS WALLET AS NILES TAKES THE DRINK OFF THE BAR AND QUAFFS IT WITH ONE DEFT BUT DREADED MOVEMENT.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nNiles!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\n(squeaking) Mommy.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nYou are not only being childish; you are slurping the contents of my wallet with precarious speed!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>BARTENDER<br \/>\nThat&#8217;s some impressive drinking for a skinny guy.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>NILES COUGHS WHILE FIGHTING HIS GAG REFLEX.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nAye, me hearty!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>HE BELCHES.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nIt&#8217;s not impressive, it&#8217;s pathetic! You don&#8217;t even LIKE scotch!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>NILES TAKES CONTROL OF HIS GUT.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\n(bravely) I do now. Bring us each another, Lautrec!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nNiles!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>BARTENDER<br \/>\nYou got it.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>THE BARTENDER AND NILES DO A &#8220;HIGH FIVE&#8221; FOLLOWED BY A FIST BUMP, AND WE&#8230;<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>CUT TO: D &#8211; INT. FRASIER&#8217;S LIVINGROOM &#8211; LATER<\/em><\/p>\n<p>(Niles, Frasier, Daphne, Martin, Victoria)<\/p>\n<p><em>FRASIER GUIDES NILES THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. NILES IS STINKING DRUNK, WEARING A BERET AND SLOPPILY SINGING, IMPERSONATING MAURICE CHEVALIER:<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\n(Singing, sorta) THANK HEAVEN&#8230;.FOR LITTLE BOYS!<br \/>\n(he cracks himself up)<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nSit down, Maurice, and I&#8217;ll make coffee.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nNiles!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>NILES STAGGERS TO HER.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nAha! Mon ami! Mon cheri! Mon amour!<br \/>\n(Now doing Stevie Wonder) MY CHERI AMOUR! PRETTY LITTLE ONE THAT I ADORE!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>HE PLANTS A SLOPPY KISS ON HER. SHE PULLS AWAY AT THE STENCH.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nUgh! Scotch! You&#8217;re stinking drunk!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nOui, oui, madame!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>HE GIGGLES, BOWS, AND THEN STRAIGHTENS UP WITH URGENCY AND HEADS STRAIGHT FOR THE BATHROOM.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\n(to himself) Wee-wee. Yes. Must wee-wee!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>HE EXITS.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nWhat the hell happened to him? He was only gone half an hour!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nFrasier, what did you do?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nWhat did I do? Nothing! I was quietly drowning the sorrows from my past when Niles came in and began drinking like a sailor.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES (O.S.) &#8211; (singing C&#8217;est Magnifique!) OOH-LA-LA! Je t&#8217;adore, C&#8217;EST MAGNIFIQUE!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nOr, like a can-can dancer.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nNiles doesn&#8217;t like scotch.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nAfter two doubles he adored it. He ordered another for each of us and drank them both.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nGood lord!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nHe had..what, four doubles in five minutes?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nThen the bartender gave us each one on the house. It is apparently &#8220;chug-a-lug Friday&#8221; at Too Loose Lautrec, and Niles won.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nSo you drove home after all, huh?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nNo, we took a cab. Now both of our cars are in valet parking at twelve dollars an hour!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>THE DOORBELL RINGS, FRASIER GOES TO ANSWER.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nWho could that be?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nFrasier, wait. I didn&#8217;t have a chance to tell you. She just called. She&#8217;s coming over.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nWho is?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>HE OPENS THE DOOR. VICTORIA IS STANDING THERE.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nYour sorrows.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nVictoria?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nHello, Butter Buns!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>CUT TO: E<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS, &#8220;OH, DANNY BOY&#8230;YOUR POPS, YOUR POPS ARE CALLING!&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>INT. FRASIER&#8217;S LIVINGROOM &#8211; CONTINUOUS<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>(Frasier, Victoria, Martin, Daphne, Eddie)<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>MARTIN AND DAPHNE STAND HELPLESSLY BEHIND FRASIER AS HE AND VICTORIA LOOK AT EACH OTHER.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nYou are Victoria, I take it?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nYou don&#8217;t remember?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nI&#8217;m sorry. Please, come in. I admit, I remember the name but not the face.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>SHE STEPS INSIDE.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nI changed my hair. I see you&#8217;ve changed yours, too.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nUh, yes. It&#8217;s slipped a bit. Oh, this is my sister-in-law, Daphne, and my father, Martin Crane.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nHello.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nHi.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nSays you.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>NILES IS STILL IN THE BATHROOM, NOW DOING HIS BEST PAVAROTTI&#8230;<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES (O.S.)<br \/>\nTHEEEEE WHALES ARE ALIVE! IN THE SOUND OF PUUUUUUU-JEEEETTTTTTTTT!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nEr..that&#8217;s my brother, Niles. He&#8217;ll be right out.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nNot if I can help it.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>SHE GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nPlease sit down. I think we should talk.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nYes, we should. Thanks.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>FRASIER AND VICTORIA SIT ON THE SOFA, LEAVING MARTIN STANDING ALONE.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN Hey, I&#8217;ve got some stuff to do in my room. I&#8217;ll let you two get reacquainted&#8230; or, meet or something. <\/strong><\/p>\n<p>(to the dog)<strong> Come on, Eddie.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>MARTIN LEAVES, BUT EDDIE STAYS PUT.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nYou gave me quite a shock today.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nYou gave me one ten years ago. I&#8217;d like for you to meet him.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>THERE IS A MOMENT OF AWKWARD SILENCE. EDDIE HOPS UP ON THE SOFA, SITS BETWEEN FRASIER AND VICTORIA AND LOOKS AT EACH OF THEM.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN (O.S.)<br \/>\nEDDIE, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT EAVESDROPPING?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>EDDIE JUMPS DOWN AND RUNS INTO MARTIN&#8217;S BEDROOM. THE SILENCE RETURNS.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nI apologize for the nature of this question, but it can&#8217;t be helped. How can you be sure the boy is mine?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nI can&#8217;t But I never slept around.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nNeither did I.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nAdvantage, me. That reduces the possibilities, doesn&#8217;t it?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>ANOTHER PAUSE.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nWould you like a glass of wine or brandy?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nNo, thanks. I just came to ask if you&#8217;d be willing to meet him. I want to see the two of you together. There are similarities.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nI&#8230;I don&#8217;t know.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nNeither do I, but I face that question a hundred times a day. Every time I look into my son&#8217;s eyes I wonder where he came from. And I see you.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>A TENSE PAUSE&#8230;<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nHow did you find me?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nI went back to Cheers and asked about you. They told me everything: where you work, where you live\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nNice to know my old friends have my back.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nLook, I don&#8217;t want money. I don&#8217;t want anything from you except an answer to the question.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nAm I the boy&#8217;s father?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nI think you are. There&#8217;s only one other man who might be but the timing would be slightly off.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nThe boyfriend who had dumped you just before we met.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nNow you remember.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nYes. You were very young and very sweet. I took advantage. I was in pain. Newly separated, cast out of my home. Neither fish nor fowl, I became a beast.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\n(smiling) I don&#8217;t know about all that but you were a cute drunk.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>FROM THE BATHROOM:<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES (O.S.)<br \/>\nROLL ME OHHH-VER IN THE CLOHHH-VER, ROLL ME OVER LAY ME DOWN AND DO IT AGAIN!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE (O.S.)<br \/>\nNiles! Keep your hands to yourself!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>(pause)<\/p>\n<p><strong>&#8230;.NOT THERE!!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nCute drunk is something of a family hallmark. Look, Victoria, as a psychiatrist, I think it would be in the boy&#8217;s best interest if we determined this question of paternity before we put him in the awkward position of sensing our tension.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nI agree. I took him in for a DNA blood test today. You can go tomorrow, if you don&#8217;t mind.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>SHE HANDS HIM A BUSINESS CARD. FRASIER READS IT ALOUD.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\n&#8220;The G-Men: Genetic Detectives &#8211; answering the question, &#8216;Who&#8217;s Your Daddy?'&#8221; (he chuckles) Where have I heard that before?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nTen years ago in my bedroom. You shouted it over and over.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>SHE STANDS, HE FOLLOWS.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nI&#8217;d better go. My husband and son are waiting downstairs.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\n(surprised and relieved) Oh, then you&#8217;ve married? You have a full family?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nFor eight wonderful years. I told you I don&#8217;t want anything from you. We just want Danny to know who he is.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>FRASIER WALKS HER TO THE DOOR.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nDanny?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nOr, as you call him &#8212; &#8220;the boy.&#8221;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nI&#8217;m sorry, I didn&#8217;t know his name. Danny. I like it. I&#8217;ll go to the lab tomorrow morning. And I&#8217;ll pay the bill.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nNo, that&#8217;s&#8230;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nI insist.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>NOT SURE HOW TO SAY GOODBYE THEY SHAKE HANDS.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nThank you, Frasier.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nI have a son too, you know, Frederick. He&#8217;s just a little older than Danny. Maybe someday they can meet if it seems like the thing to do.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nI think I&#8217;d like that.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nWell&#8230; Nice to see you. We&#8217;ll talk when the test results are in.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>SHE GIVES HIM A LITTLE PECK ON THE CHEEK. HE CLOSES THE DOOR AND STANDS THERE FOR A MOMENT, FILLED WITH MIXED EMOTIONS BUT WEARING A RELAXED AND RELIEVED SMILE.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>DAPHNE BURSTS IN FROM THE BATHROOM, HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THE FRONT DOOR.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nWell, I&#8217;m off.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nYou&#8217;re off? Where&#8217;s Niles?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\n(breezily; unconcerned) Sleeping. In a tub of hot water. You might want to loosen his shoes and tie before they shrink. Oh, and if he dies, phone me in the morning. If not, don&#8217;t bother.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>SHE EXITS AND&#8230;<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>FADE OUT. &#8211; F<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>INT. KACL &#8211; FRASIER&#8217;S STUDIO &#8211; AFTERNOON<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>(Frasier, Kenny, Victoria, Danny, Roz)<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>FRASIER IS WRAPPING UP HIS SHOW.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nI&#8217;m afraid that&#8217;s all the time we have for today, Seattle. Stay tuned for news on KACL&#8230; (grinning with pride at his inventiveness) &#8230;&#8221;The Sound of Puget!&#8221;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>KENNY ENTERS.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nOh, Kenny, it&#8217;s you. Good! What do you think of my idea for a new station slogan?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>KENNY<br \/>\nI think it sucks. The Sound of Puget?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nMusically, I agree with you. I just thought it might be good enough for radio.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>KENNY<br \/>\nYour friend is here again.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>HE SHOWS VICTORIA INTO THE ROOM AND LEAVES.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nVictoria. Sorry to keep you waiting.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\n(smiling) I had to thank you.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nFor what?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nFor everything. For not shutting me out when I showed up at your apartment. For admitting the truth about our brief relationship.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\n(smiling) &#8220;The truth. It is a beautiful and terrible thing and should, therefore, be treated with great caution.&#8221;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nWho said that? Pliny the Elder?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nNo. Harry Potter.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nI think you must be a wonderful father.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nThere is no greater calling. I have a superb role model.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nWill you call the next time you&#8217;re in Boston?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nAbsolutely. Our sons must get to know each other.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>THEY HUG WARMLY. SHE CROSSES TO THE DOOR TO ROZ&#8217;S STUDIO AND OPENS IT.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nThanks for watching him, Roz. Danny, it&#8217;s time to go to the airport.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>DANNY, A NEATLY DRESSED HOLY TERROR OF A TEN-YEAR-OLD, RUNS INTO THE ROOM&#8230;<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>DANNY<br \/>\nYAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!! YAYYYYYY, I GET TO FLY ON AN AIRPLANE!!! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>ARMS OUT LIKE WINGS, DANNY RUNS A QUICK CIRCLE AROUND FRASIER BEFORE PUNCHING HIM HARD IN THE STOMACH, THEN RUNNING OUT THE DOOR. VICTORIA GIGGLES AND KISSES FRASIER&#8217;S CHEEK.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>VICTORIA<br \/>\nI&#8217;ll look forward to your call.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>SHE LEAVES.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\n(sucking for air) Me, too.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>ROZ ENTERS, STEAMING MAD. SHE HAS &#8220;SILLY STRING&#8221; DRIPPING FROM HER HEAD. HER HANDS ARE BOUND TOGETHER WITH RECORDING TAPE. SHE GETS RIGHT IN FRASIER&#8217;S FACE.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>ROZ<br \/>\nAre you little Damion&#8217;s father?!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>FRASIER PRODUCES AN OFFICIAL-LOOKING PAPER.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nZero percent probability. Redemption is ours.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>FADE OUT.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>END OF ACT TWO &#8211; TAG<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>INT. A SMALL THEATER &#8211; NIGHT<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>(Roz, Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne)<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>ROZ, FRAZIER, MARTIN, DAPHNE, AND NILES ARE SEATED TOGETHER IN A THEATER. THE HOUSE LIGHTS ARE UP, AND THE ORCHESTRA IS TUNING.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>ROZ<br \/>\nAre you disappointed that Danny isn&#8217;t your son?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nYes, just as I&#8217;m crushed that I&#8217;m not married to Roseanne Barr. No, I already have one son I rarely get to see. Danny has good, loving parents.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nAnd a shot at growing hair on his butt.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>NILES IS WEARING SUNGLASSES FOR HIS HANGOVER. DAPHNE IS UNSYMPATHETIC.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nI wish we had better seats. The lights give me a splitting headache, and everything&#8217;s out of focus.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>FRASIER<br \/>\nOh, for heaven&#8217;s sake, Niles. We&#8217;re front row, center. Take four more aspirin!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>NILES<br \/>\nMy teeth feel soft.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>THE ORCHESTRA QUICKLY FADES TO SILENCE AS THE HOUSE LIGHTS BEGIN TO DIM.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>MARTIN<br \/>\nThis is exciting! Are you nervous, Daph?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\nOnly because the leading lady is such a stiff, untalented twit. Everybody says I should have done the role myself. Oh, look. There she is.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>MUSIC FROM THE ORCHESTRA SWELLS &#8212; THE OPENING BARS OF &#8220;THE SOUND OF MUSIC:&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>ROZ<br \/>\n(To Daphne, sotto voce) Wow! She&#8217;s a lot older than you, that&#8217;s for sure.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>DAPHNE<br \/>\n(sotto voce) And she&#8217;s got no voice. She says she used to sing professionally. Says she starred in American films. Hah! I say that&#8217;s a bucket full of dream-on!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>CUT TO:<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>THE STAGE &#8212; CLOSE-UP ON JULIE ANDREWS. YES, THAT JULIE ANDREWS!<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>JULIE<br \/>\nTHUUUUHHHHHHHHH WHALES ARE ALIVE! IN THE SOUND OF PUUUUUUUU-JEEETTTTTTT! THE RAINS SEEMS TO DRIVE FOR A THOUSAND YEARS!!!!!!&#8230;&#8230;.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>ROLL TITLES OVER&#8230;<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>JULIE<br \/>\nSTAAAARRRRRRR-BUCKS FILLS MY HEART, NEAR THE SOUND OF PUUUUUU-JEEEETTTT! THE SPACE NEEDLE CHARGES YOU TWELVE BUCKS, FOR BEEEEEEEEERRRRRSSSSS!!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>THE AUDIENCE LEAPS TO ITS FEET WITH APPLAUSE AND CHEERS. DAPHNE REMAINS SEATED, ROLLING HER EYES AND CLAPPING POLITELY.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>FADE OUT.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>END OF SHOW<\/em><\/p>\n<div>\n<hr \/>\n<\/div>\n<p>When I wrote this spec script, I was approaching 60. Ken and I both knew I was too old to start pursuing a career writing for TV and movies.<\/p>\n<p>In case you missed it last week, you can read more about <a href=\"https:\/\/generationsbridge.substack.com\/p\/screenwriters-and-ageism\" rel=\"nofollow ugc noopener\">age discrimination as explained by Ken Levine.<\/a><\/p>\n<p>If you burn to write novels or scripts do it now. Learn and do the work. Dreams won\u2019t wait forever.<\/p>\n<p><em>\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Some years ago, when I was a radio news\/talk host in Los Angeles, I dreamed of writing TV sitcoms and wanted to test the waters. Fortunately, I had a connection: Emmy-winning writer\/director\/producer Ken Levine, who had written for M*A*S*H, Cheers, Frasier, and many other shows, was my friend. Frasier had recently ended its run, so &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/theagingofaquarius.com\/dw_blog\/frasier-the-sound-of-puget\/\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading<span class=\"screen-reader-text\"> &#8220;Frasier: The Sound of Puget&#8221;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[603,601,602],"class_list":["post-4300","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-frasier","tag-screenwriting","tag-spec"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Frasier: The 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