What really attracts us to each other?

How much of what we’re drawn to in other people – either in friendship or in love – is that they seem to be our opposites?  Or are we most attracted to people whom we feel are exactly like us?

One theory says we choose people who possess something we wish we knew.  Or wish we owned.  Or wish we could be. The other theory is that we seek people who mirror us.

The longer I live, the more I feel most comfortable with people with whom I have the really important things in common – values – and the less I care about whether we agree on the superficial stuff.

In childhood, there’s a fascination with people who venture where we don’t dare to go.  For a while they seem the most fascinating. As parents, all we can do is hope our kids will eventually figure out that some common ground is also important.

Remember the affair in Bridges of Madison County? The attractive photographer, Robert Kincaid (played by Clint Eastwood) meets a woman, Francesca Johnson, (played by Meryl Streep) who quickly falls into a longing state.  For him.  About him?

Or – as one writer suggested – maybe she’s attracted to the fantasy of  the independence she traded for family life.  Is Robert, deep down, a manifestation of Francesca’s dream for herself?  From time to time that idea pops back into my head.  The writer asked, if Francesca had become a photographer herself, couldn’t she have skipped the affair?  The theory being that  Francesca was really drawn to things Robert knew that she wished she knew.

A while back, after leaving behind a friendship I once thought I wanted, I began thinking that particular writer and W. Shakespeare both make good points.  If we all followed our own drummers, whatever tune is playing inside our heads (the old “to thine own self be true” theory) would we be attracted to a different type of person?

Ó Anita Garner 2009